The Story of a Villain
by nekocandy4life
Summary: Heroes are all the same and Villains are the same. But does anybody knows, I mean EXACTLY knows what makes the villains the bad guys? Exactly who is a villain in this existence we call our lives? Can anyone tell me the answer? What makes, what I done different than the things he's done? He's a villain too…and yet...he will always be my hero.
1. So you want to know

_**So you want to know all about my story?**_

_**About why I did what I did.**_

_**About me?**_

_**Why I broke the heart of man I loved?**_  
><em><strong>Why I lied, cheated, and destroyed?<strong>_

_**Why I caused our fallout.**_

_**Its a simple answer that everyone else can give you if asked.**_  
><em><strong>Its everything that people gossip about behind my back.<strong>_

_**I'm a villain.**_

_**I was born evil.**_  
><em><strong>Born rotten to the core.<strong>_

_**Born with no feelings for those around me.**_

_**So I crush them, my lover and my friends.**_  
><em><strong>So why do you want to know more than that?<strong>_

_**Why do you want to know about me?**_

_**Is it because you are curious to see what makes me tick?**_  
><em><strong>My feelings about what happened to use for your story?<strong>_

_**Or is it because you sense there's more to my story than what your hear?**_

_**Well clap yourself on the back and give yourself a medal!**_  
><em><strong>There is more to my story.<strong>_

_**More to the adventure and madness I have caused and endured.**_

_**I would say I enjoyed what I did:I enjoyed the pain I inflicted on those I cared for deeply.**_  
><em><strong>But that would be a damn lie, truth be told.<strong>_

_**Not every "villain" is evil mister.**_  
><em><strong>Where do you want me to start?<strong>_  
><em><strong>But before I do;<strong>_

_**I have a request.**_

_**In return for my story, **_  
><em><strong>Under no circumstances are you to publish this.<strong>_

_**Not until the next year.**_

_**Why you ask me?**_  
><em><strong>You will learn as I begin my tale.<strong>_

_**You will learn.**_

_**Don't think I'm just going to spill my life out;**_  
><em><strong>Not until you give me your word.<strong>_

_**Sigh.**_

_**If you insist to know the reason…**_  
><em><strong>Fine.<strong>_

_**I'm dying, that is why.**_

* * *

><p>They said he was a villain; not your typical villain most would see in the movie theater on the big screen. He got that titled for what he did. Everyone in Marukawa publishing talked about it. It was a commonly known story even after two years. The emerald department, where the story ended, still buzzed with hatred of the person who broke their leader.<p>

I didn't know much.

The only thing I knew what my editor Hatori shared one afternoon during our meeting.

It was a coincidence really. Me and my editor Hatori were sitting down in their usual place, talking about the story I had just finished when we caught sight of "the villain" in the back of the cafe we had their meeting at. I remembered meeting him at one of my award parties. He was so shy and a newbie to Marukawa Publishing but...he has a certain charm to him.

Hatori use to talk about him all the time since that day until two years ago.

He was doing no harm; just sitting in a booth, enjoying a steaming beverage but the sight of him was enough to infuriate my editor.

After much angry ramblings and insults thrown across the cafe towards the heartless villain, Hatori finally composed himself. Curious about the hatred towards a man I only met but thought of as nice, I decided to ask.

"What was that all about Tori? Why are you saying such mean things to him?" 'What did he do?' Was my last silent question.

"It's not for me to talk about it Chiaki. It's up to my boss Takano and that menace over there to know." He stopped and thought for a few moments before speaking again. "But I will say this Chiaki: Stay away from him. He is nothing but trouble." With that he launched into the discussion of me making a new book.

With great strength, I pulled my eyes off the menace looking out the window, ignoring the glares sent his way by Hatori; I looked back at my author and sighed. "I have an idea for a new story but I don't really know how to go about the story."

"Well what do you want the story to be about?"

"I sort of want to write a back story for my antagonist. I want to venture into her past and side of the story but I don't know how to go about it." Sighing again, I laid my head on the table, brooding.

"Sounds interesting," Hatori nodded in approval. "You better get started on it. I'll bring you some references if you need inspiration for the story." He received a shrug because I was too stressed to say something snappy back. "Good work today, see you next week." With a bow and a glare thrown across the cafe, Hatori left, leaving me to fry my brain over how to write my next book.

It's hard considering I focus every story on the protagonist and lots of fans have been asking for the villain's story. My eyes glanced back at the person Hatori said was trouble. Inspiration would be nice for writing a bad guy's perspective...maa, what am I thinking? I hardly even know the guy or what he did that made Hatori and his coworkers hate him. Though I am curious...dammit!

Different scenarios began dancing in my head about what the ex-newbie editor could have done to be hated so much. I should have left them as scenarios, stories conjured up by my imagination but looking at him, alone yet serene….I couldn't help but feel there was more to Hatori's description of him. And dammit I wanted to know what happened from the one who caused it, from the "Villain" who was hated.

It's for reference anyways...no one would know that my story will be based off a real, living person...and it couldn't hurt to go over there and ask.

My fists clenched and I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from jumping over the place. Damn my curiosity! Banging my head on the table rather harshly I made up my mind. Lord...please make this go well and do not let me get yelled at...or killed.

Breathing in all the courage I'll need for what I am about to do, I get up and march my way to the trouble, sitting quietly and sipping his drink. "Um...E-excuse me." I stop my flinching once those light green eyes look at me questioning.

Calm yourself man!

...He doesn't look all that threatening.

Looking at him closer now, he looks paler than the last time I saw him...and thinner too.

"Yes?"

Shit...now I'm scared. "Ah, um, hi…" Get it together! "My name is…"

"Chiaki Yoshino." Gulp! He remembers me!?

Forcing a smile, I nod taking a seat in front of him. "You remember me?" I frown when he shakes his head and smiles a bit guilty.

"To be honest; not at first no. I just recognized you because Hatori san talks like a screamo singer when he's furious." I laughed a little and blushed embarrassed.

"Well we met two years ago at my award party...Takano san introduced us." A glimpse of sadness flashes like thunder through bright grass eyes. Must have been my imagination because it left a second later.

"Oh...yes." Sipping some tea, he clears his throat before looking back out the window. The sky was a soft gray indicating it was going to snow again. A typical January day yet I think he wasn't seeing it as another day. His eyes looked haunted. Lost. His voice jumped me out of my observings. "How can I help you Chiaki-san?"

His posture was casual and his eyes were inviting, not hostile like most bad guys were. So I asked what I wanted and explained my reasons why. "Well, you see, I am writing a new book and I wanted to try something different than what I usually write about; heroes and their adventures, childhood, etc. For this new book I want to write about my villain," His eyes narrowed a bit but I continued. "And her backstory, her life and what led her to be the person she is. I have no idea how to go about this so I was hoping maybe…"

"To use me as a reference." He finished in a whisper of a voice. No longer was he staring out the window but studying his cup now. "So you want to know all about my story? Use me as your villain. About why I did what I did. About me? Do you even KNOW what I did?"

"Well, no b-but I am curious…" Now I feel like an asshole, just asking to use someone's life for my book to entertain people.

"Curious? You're curious about why I broke the heart of man I loved? Why I lied, cheated, and destroyed? Why I caused our fallout?" He did all those things?!

Gulping thickly I nod, afraid of how this conversation was going. "W-why did you and what happened for you to do those things?" He shrugged, debating silently with himself before chuckling and shaking his bedhead.

"Its a simple answer that everyone else can give you if asked. Its everything that people gossip about behind my back. I know they do. I'm a villain. I was born evil. Born rotten to the core. Born with no feelings for those around me. So I crush them, my lover and my friends. Isn't that what people believe? What they want to hear for entertainment? Isn't that the truth everyone else can give you? So why do you want to know more than that? Why do you want to know about me and my side of what happened?"

"Because…" Because why? He's right anyhow so why am I asking him for his story? Maybe because everybody has a story to be told. "No one is you. No one knows somebody else's story, only their own part of it. You are a great reference also…"

"Is it because you are curious to see what makes me tick? My feelings about what happened to use for your story?"

"Well I guess but…"

"Or is it because you sense there's more to my story than what your hear?"

My mind is reeling from how good this guy reads me. It seemed he wasn't even trying to see what went through my head and the curiosity that sunk its claws in. "Yes I do." I jumped a bit when he clapped and laughed out loud.

"Well clap yourself on the back and give yourself a medal! There is more to my story. More to the adventure and madness I have caused and endured."

I smiled. "Really! C-can you tell me something that went through your mind then?"

He frowned and laid his head on the table, watching as smoke floated from his cup into the toasty cafe air. He sighed a bit tired before answering. "I would say I enjoyed what I did: I enjoyed the pain I inflicted on those I cared for deeply but that would be a damn lie, truth be told."

Huh? "What do you mean"

"Not every "**villain**" is evil mister." He finally stared at me straight in the eyes before looking away. I wondered for a moment if I should leave and forget about using him as my reference after all. "Where do you want me to start?" I beamed, told him from the day his parents had him to now. I wanted his whole story, for some reference and inspiration for my story before he talked again. "But before I do; I have a request."

"A request?" Shit...is he going to ask for money or something?

"In return for my story, under no circumstances are you to publish this." What?! "Not until the next year. That is all I ask. You can do what you want with my story, tear it up, publish it or forget it and leave it be forgotten but if you do base your story on it, do not show it to anybody, do not tell anybody you are writing it, do not turn in any drafts until the next year."

What?! "It will take year to write a story but if I may ask, why don't you want it published until next year. That is a long time…"

Chuckling again, he drinks the rest of his tea. "Why you ask me? You will learn as I begin my tale. Trust me: you will learn." He cut me off before I could protest. "Don't think I'm just going to spill my life out; not until you give me your word. Do not publish until next year."

I protested anyways. "I am not promising anything until I have a reason! Just give me a reason please!"

He sighed. "If you insist to know the reason…Fine."

"Thank you." Breathing in, he looks up and smiles sadly.

He opens his mouth to say something but swallows it back before cursing a bit and spilling whatever he has to say out. The answer I got shocked me but it gave me reason to agree to his request. It's the least I can do...for Onodera Ritsu.

**"I'm dying, that is why."**


	2. Conceived

**Ok, so, hello everybody. Nice to meet you if I have yet to make your acquaintance and hello again to those of you I do know! It's been a while since I posted anything new; chapter or otherwise. **

**Yeah...I suck. I'm sorry.  
>I'm trying to get back in writing and what better way of getting back in the game than starting a new slat! <strong>

**Just so you know everyone since I couldn't put warnings or notes in the first chapter (I am doing all of this in school by the way O_O) There will be a whole lot of shit going around as this story continues and most of the couples will not be with each other...except Chiaki and Hatori. I can't see them with anyone else but each other.**

**Nothing major, just a lot of feels and maybe humor. **

**I hope you all will give this a chance and stick with me until the end. Trying to shake out all the laziness that's holding me back and pressure of school. Um...oh! **

**Almost forgot!**

**Rekishichizu: Awe, I'm sorry if this story makes you cry. Um...have a PANDA! *give fluffy panda to you* **

**The-Bad-Wolf: It will be a while until everyone finds out what Ritsu did my friend. Trust me, muhahahahahaha!**

**Levinya: I'm going to take that as a compliment :D As for how I came up with this idea of a story; boredom of school, will to start writing again, and pretty much An Interview with a Vampire. Oh and I was watching some freshmen friends fight and blame each other for some things. It got me thinking about what a bad person is and that led to some life provoking thoughts and BAM! This was born -_-**

**Thank you all who reviewed, favored and followed this story! **

**ENJOY~**

* * *

><p>We remained seated with a recorder I always carried around with me between us on the table. "Please state your name, age, and begin by telling what you want us to know before you start your story."<p>

_My name is Onodera Ritsu. I am twenty five years old and I guess all I want when you hear my tale, is to keep in mind it is all true and I have, in no way, altered anything to glorify my image. I wish not to be judged as I tell my story and for understanding. That is all I want people to keep in mind._

_I was born in the middle spring of March,on Sakura day;1987. Where the petals were showering the city in a pretty pink and my mother spent that beautiful blossom day,birthing me in Sakura Hospital._

_My parents...didn't exactly meet like normal lovers would meet. There were no sweet words, cute blushes or shy gestures. No dates or small chat to get to know each other. Their coming together in matrimony was strictly business, a decision made by both of my grandfathers. _

_They didn't hate each other per say…_  
><em>My mother and father...tolerated each other.<em>

_My father just took over the family company. My mother was his father's, my grandfather's vice president and good friend, daughter. Together they believed my parents made "the perfect couple." They got my parents together and had them wed with one another, a year later they had to make a heir. At first it was hard for them since they tolerated each other but never once been intimate with each other. They married but they just acted like best friends more than a loving couple but...they had a "duty" to do for their families._

_So after some booze and a hazy, forgetful night, five months later news came that my mother was pregnant with me. My mother spent her days being helped around the house by servants during her pregnancy. She couldn't do much since she was sort of a delicate being. Her body was fragile so the pregnancy took a lot out of her. When she wasn't being helped around the mansion, she would sit in her and my father's room and knit something or perhaps write in a journal._

_My father threw himself in work in the publishing company. They hardly saw each other or exchanged any type of conversation since their conception of me but they did not mind. They could do what they wanted without any trouble of getting into each other's lives. Only on camera or in front of guests would they act loving towards each other._

_After I was born, my mother's health got better and was able to walk around on her own again. She began her own career; also going to parties thrown by other well-to-do families such as ours and stayed until late at night, anything to stay out of the house as long as it was possible. Sometimes she wouldn't even come home…_

_My father remained at the company._

_Work was flourishing, surpassing the work my grandfather did and so demands were high. My father would work himself to the bones, sometimes he came home but for majority he practically lived at the company. Work controlled his life, it was his life. That and a new secretary he got that I use to believe was just his friend._

_As for me, well I don't remember much since I was just a newborn infant but I do remember some things in my toddlers years._

_I hardly saw either of my parents and being a child tended to by a servant and a butler all day and night; I believed they were my parents and that the rest of the servants were my relatives…._

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry but I must stop at that." I was so caught up in his story that I shot up about to protest when he shut my recorder off. Looking at the time, he stood up and gathered his coat and scarf smiling at me. "I wish I had more time to tell everything but I really must be going now Chiaki san."<p>

He can't go!  
>It was all getting so good!<p>

"Are you changing your mind?" Maybe that's it. His childhood sounds quite lonely...maybe he doesn't want to recall it or his past in general? I gaped when he laughed at my expressions I made subconsciously.

"Don't look so worried. I'm not changing my mind; I do have somewhere to be right now though. The time we spent here was my break. If you like, we can meet here again tomorrow since I have nothing to do really." I nod, walking with him out the door and into the freezing January air.

Cars drove by fast as we came to the corner of the sidewalk, waiting for the street light to turn red so we could cross. Thinking about all I heard today I just had to voice my question. "Was...was your parents really like that?"

He says nothing a moment before he nods a bit.

"It...gets a bit more complicated than that."

Huh?

"How?" How is leaving your child alone not complicated enough?

He sighs. "It just does but it was never their fault….."

I didn't believe that for one split second. I could understand why it must have been complicated but still...they had a child together, they should at least fallen in love with their baby. Looking at Onodera and seeing his slightly guarded yet tired expression I decided not to voice the things that went through my mind.

When the light finally changed colors and we crossed, before we parted ways I stopped Onodera. "Thank you for letting me hear your story."

Smiling softly and bowing in acknowledgement, he replied; "Thank you for listening to my story."

As he walked away, I could not for the life of me picture him as some bad guy who enjoys watching others in pain. He stood out against the world in a sort of isolated way; a light that has been dimmed by the world but not dimmed enough to fit in. It irked me.

Exactly...what made him snap and become the villain Hatori and supposedly the whole publishing company claimed him as? Did they provoke him too much, drive him up a wall until there was no choice but to fight back? This so called "VILLAIN" was different from any "bad guys" I have ever written or heard about.

When I got home, I connected my recorder to my sound system and listened as Onodera's voice filled my home, telling me of his parent's lives.

I could not see it.  
>Then again I could.<p>

The Onodera's were always the perfect model for families everywhere. They showed love and acceptance for one another since way back when Onodera publishing started. On another page, thinking as back as I can, the Onodera's were always private as well. I don't remember anything about their lives behind closed doors. No article, interview, nothing that showed some tiny glimpse in any of the Onodera's lives.

Just their company…  
>Sleeping was sort of hard.<br>My mind kept wondering what the rest of Onodera's life was like.

How had he felt being stuck in a house, believing the servants were his family? When did he start to understand that his 'family' was not a family? I don't know how I would feel if I was that little boy in his place. I can't picture my mother and father not loving each other or being an only child for that matter. When my parents worked, I always had my sister to keep me company.

...and Hatori.

Blushing at the last thought, I snuggle deeper into my blanket, making sure I kept my feet uncovered. It's a habit of mine. To sleep all snuggled up except for my feet. I don't know when I developed this habit but I never broke out of it and I don't plan on ever breaking out of it. It's second nature.

Thinking of my own childhood I was able to lull myself to sleep with a promise of visiting my mother and sister sometime this week.

"Have you thought on how to go about your story yet Yoshino?" Hatori asked as we sat once again at our usual meeting place in the cafe. I wasn't paying attention to him throughout the whole meeting. It was the same anyways whenever I finished a book. We meet, talk about nothing but work, work, and more work. How well my book is selling and that I might or might not have a book signing to go to in the future. Not once do I get some free time off. I swear Hatori enjoys working me to the bone….

I kept my eyes glued to my watch and the cafe doors, hoping to see Onodera san walk in any moment.

I want to hear the rest of his story.  
>Damn you time!<p>

Why are you going so slow today?!

"Yoshino!"

"What." I blinked dumbly. Was Hatori still gagging on about the publishing company liking my book? God I get it already! He sighed, frustrated with me already! And so early in the day too! This must be my new record of annoying Hatori.

Meh.  
>He should already be use to how I am; he's known me since childhood for petites sake!<p>

"You seem more out of it than usual. Anything interesting happen yesterday Chiaki?" Right away I wanted to shout yes and tell Hatori all about yesterday's event but I promised Onodera san I would tell no soul until he...well until next year when I'm able to publish the book.

Shrugging and looking back at my watch, I shake my head. "Nothing really. Just been thinking is all."

"About your antagonist book?"

"Yeah…" Not a lie, just not the complete truth.

"Well I brought some references to give you some inspiration." Guilt builds up in me when he hands me the references. I hardly lie to Hatori or keep things from him. It makes me guilty to keep secrets from my best friend since childhood but I want to hear Ritsu's story and...and I want people to hear his story too.

Huh?  
>When did I start referring to him by his first name?<p>

"Thanks Tori." I smile uneasily as I took the references from him and placed them in my bag. "Anything else that you want to gag about?"

"No. The meeting's over now." He scowled at me as I laughed. He never liked being mocked but I can't help it! He use to be so fun and easy to talk to.

Now he thinks of nothing but work….  
>He doesn't even come over anymore just to talk or play games.<p>

I miss my best friend truth be told.  
>I miss our childhood a lot.<br>Makes me less lonely.

With a stiff bow, Hatori bids me goodbye and begins his way out the cafe door. Before he can open it however, it opens by itself and in steps...Ritsu!

Hatori hisses a bit at the guy but doesn't yell or insult him like yesterday and Ritsu just ignores Hatori. Which I see angers Hatori even more as he storms out clenching his briefcase.

That's the most I've seen Hatori emotional in a long time. In some twisted way it makes me happy that he can show that amount of feelings even if it is anger.

"Good morning Chiaki-san." Ritsu sits in front of me and orders a cup of hot chocolate. "How are you doing this fine day?"

"I'm doing well, can't complain really. Just got finished with a meeting as you saw." I give him a cheesy smile.

Ritsu laughs to ease my tension. "Yes, I saw just now. It always amazes me to see Hatori with emotions. Sort of makes me happy to see even he's human once in a while." I snort out a laugh, agreeing with him. "Would you like to start right now or wait for a bit? I have nothing to do today so I have time."

Beaming, I bounce in my chair, hyper and excited. "Now! I want to start now please!"

"Ok."

Taking my recorder out with the speed that could rival lightening, I place it in the center of the table between us just like yesterday and press the record button. "Please begin."

Tapping his chin, he looks away from the present to get lost in the past.

"Where was I…"

* * *

><p><strong>And that is chapter two! <strong>

**I might post Chapter three later or monday at most...**

**Please give some feedback or thoughts and let me know how this is going so far~**

**Oh and does anyone know of any good anime to watch because I need something to obsess over since nothing's really catching my eye lately. **

**Til next time!**


	3. Fleeting childhood

_Their names were Angelic and Boston. Yes, the butler's name was Boston; I have no clue why but it suited him. As a toddler I honestly believed Angelic and Boston were my parents. They were with me throughout the days, lived in the mansion, took care of me when I got hurt, cooked for me; Angelic would be there, by my bed side to make sure I said my nightly prayers. She was a religious believer and passed that onto me like any caretaker would. I did not mind though since religion is actually a calming thing to me; to be told that someone above was watching me and loved me so much that they gave themselves up for my salvation. Angelic always told me I was a precious gift that the lord sent down to her and Boston…._

_You can see why I believed them to be my mother and father._

_I loved them both and I would let them know it too. They...would never answer me back when I told them I loved them but they would answer me with gestures. A smile and kiss on my head from Angelic, a pat on my back from Boston…_

_I was, I think eight or nine, when I started realizing the truth. My father had a conference and a reporter came to the mansion. They asked my father and mother questions about the company and if their son would be taking over it. I had no idea at that age what they meant because I hardly saw my parents so I assumed they were talking about someone else….that was until the camera landed on me and my father pulled me to his side._

_I got frightened by what was going on._  
><em>So I pulled away and ran to Angelic and Boston.<em>

_Oh...my parents were so mad that day. I can still recall the tight grip on my arm when I pulled away and my father tried keeping me by him. When the conference was over, my parents went on their day to forget the embarrassment I had caused and I was left with Angelic and Boston. I never forgot that day, I don't think I'll ever forget that day._

_It was a fun day. Most of my classes were canceled that day and Angelic and Boston took me out to the backyard of the mansion. We spent that bright and beautiful day playing around, them chasing after me as I ran from them; having a little picnic and just laying on our backs and looking up at the fluffy clouds. It was the first most memorable day of my life._

_And I should have realized at that moment that something was wrong._

_Angelic and Boston spent the whole day with me playing and resting. They weren't cleaning or chiding me to be a proper young boy as usual. They weren't wearing the standard uniform that they usually wore. I never thought anything of it. I only focused on the fun._

_At night, when I said my prayers and laid my head on my pillow...Angelic and Boston were standing over me. They had such sad expressions. Curious about their expressions, I asked "Mommy, daddy, why do you guys look so sad?"_

_They said nothing._  
><em>I don't think they knew what to say to me...<em>

_Boston patted my hair, his fingers ruffled my mane lovingly, like a father telling me he was proud of me without using his words. Angelic kissed my head...and then whispered in my ear as I began drifting off. She said the most haunting of things; I never forgot her words for they play hopscotch in my mind whenever I let my mind wander away. She said to me;"We are not your parents Ritsu...but you sure are our son."_

_….The next morning I woke up, expecting to be greeted with her or Boston's bright smile but no. I woke up to my parents standing beside each other at the foot of my bed. It's funny how such a beautiful dream-like day could fade and I had to wake up to cold reality._

_That was the day I was told who my real parents were._  
><em>Also the day I never saw Angelic and Boston again.<em>

_I always wondered how they were faring. They were married with each other I knew that but I wondered sometimes if they had kids of their own. If I would ever see them again. The main thing that haunts my mind when I do recall Angelic's words is if she and Boston ever thought about me too._

_Life after their leave...was hectic._

* * *

><p>A slam on the window where we were sitting startled the both of us. Shutting off the recorder, me and Ritsu looked out the window at a fuming, flabbergasted Kisa san.<p>

An indifference mask settle upon Ritsu's face whereas I was gaping like a fish, scared at being caught by one of Hatori's friends and coworkers. Dammit! I never thought about being caught like this. Hatori will know now...I don't want Ritsu getting in trouble or being hated more.

Which I want to know how he does that indifference thingy.  
>Maybe he can show me how to do that.<p>

Gah!  
>No is not the time to be thinking random things!<p>

Kisa ran straight for the doors and stampede his way to our table before growling out at Ritsu. "What do you think you are doing." I backed up from the look to kill on his face. I never really seen Kisa be so homicidal looking before and it scared me.

Ritsu looked as if he wasn't going to be murdered anytime soon.  
>Maybe I should be afraid of Ritsu as well?<p>

"Hello Kisa san." Ritsu bowed his head a bit in greeting to only get hissed at. Some spit from Kisa's hissing got in Ritsu's eye; rubbing the spit off and shaking his head, Ritsu becomes sarcastic. "Good to see you again too Kisa san. I take it your day has been ruined or have your authors been driving you insane again?"

Immediately the cat swipes.

"Don't you dare talk to me like we're still friends!" My heart jumps seeing the red blotch forming on Ritsu's pale cheek. Man that slap must have hurt. How is Ritsu not reacting to that?! Instead he just sits still as Kisa asks/demands what he's doing here talking to me.

Really?

"Nothing much; just here drinking some hot chocolate. It is a free world after all Kisa san. As for Chiaki-san being here. We ran into each other and decided to talk for a bit." Slyly, Ritsu slid my recorder out of sight before Kisa could notice it was here.

Another blotch was added to his face.

"Maa...Kisa san. Is the slapping really necessary." He took on an irritated look.

Kisa returned the look with a glare.  
>The he turned that glare on me.<p>

"You shouldn't be talking to this fiend Ki-chan." My eyelid twitched at Kisa's words and nickname for me. Who the heck does he get off, telling me who I should and shouldn't be talking to? I gasped. Since when do I get protective of people I hardly know.

….

I don't...hardly know Ritsu...anymore.  
>He's giving me his life story so…<p>

So doesn't this make me his friend?

"Leave now Onodera." My fists clenched. Ritsu is my friend now, I'm learning so much about him, so many personal things. Also...it seemed like he needs some type of friend. "Stop tainting our innocent authors and go!"

Tsk!

"Fine." What! How can you say that Ritsu and listen!? Aren't you angry? You aren't tainting me! What am I doing remaining quiet like an idiot!? Ritsu stands and turns to me with a smile I know is not forced or awkward like when we first met. He hands me a card with his number on it before walking away. "Sorry Chiaki-san. It was a pleasure to converse with you but now I must take my leave."

With a wave I was left with Kisa san.

Oh god noooooooooooooo!

Speaking of the man… "He really isn't a person you want to involve yourself with Ki-chan. He's trouble who likes to lead people on and then turn his back on them. I'll tell Hatori to make sure he stays away from you, don't worry."

Damn!

* * *

><p>Hatori visited me today. He came to my house raving and yelling about how he told me to stay away from Ritsu. He demanded why I disobeyed.<p>

I couldn't tell him...so he got angrier with me.

"STAY AWAY FROM THAT MONSTER YOSHINO! IF HE APPROACHES YOU, WALK AWAY! YOU UNDERSTAND!"

I couldn't stand all their hateful words towards my new found friend so I left. I took out my cell phone and punched in the numbers on the card. It rang four times before Ritsu's familiar voice answered hello. "Hey...uh..are you busy right now?"

"Not really." There was faint screaming in the background. "You ok Chiaki-san? You sound upset."

"Your background noises sound more upset at the moment." I pointed out, scared for a second. Ritsu only laughed at shouted something back before I heard a door slam and then cars.

"It's nothing, just pissing off some people."

"O-oh?"

"Yeah. It's my cousin. He's trying to keep me inside but I want to go for a walk. Care to join me? It appears you need some fresh air to clear your head."

Should I?  
>Do I want to?<p>

"...that would be nice. Sure." It's been so long since I just took a walk and had a chat with somebody. Human contact, a friend is what I need and It's been long overdue wouldn't you say? "Where at?"

"You know where Macmillan park is right?"

"Yes."

"Great! See you there then."

"Ok a-and Ritsu…" Shit I used his first name!

"Yeah…?"

"Uh...um...T-thank you."

He hung up. Can't blame him; I called him by his first name for petites sake! He must feel awkward with me calling him by first names! God I am an idiot! But it just feels right calling him by his first name. I feel like we've been friends for the longest, almost like he's a relative to me. I hope he's not that freaked out by me now…

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><p><strong>Ladadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada~<strong>

**I am really enjoying writing this story:D **

**There's more to come folks so leave a review or something to let me know how you guys are enjoying this so far and I will try posting the next chapter as soon as I can. Maybe tomorrow but I don't know yet...I know I can't post anything during the week since school will be hounding me and I use my free time to actually type something down. I don't know yet but yes, maybe I might post the fourth chapter tomorrow before I start homework lol! XD **

**Once again I want to thank those of you who Followed and favored my story. I sincerely hope you guys are enjoying yourselves and thank you to those who had reviewed:D **

**Levinya: I have time to write this in school because I have been neglecting most of my classes. Though that might change since the college I want to get into involve knowing a lot of math and English, so I am going to have to beat some knowledge into my brain! Sometimes I just write down my ideas in a notebook and wait until I get home to type it all. **

**TrueLove17yugi-yami: Thank you so much! And yeah...I go over my writing and actually have a good friend who is also a fellow fanfiction writer (Inodethyukina) that has been helping me and giving me feedback on this story through google docs but I guess we missed some things. -_- I'm ashamed. That's the way I talk sometimes and I really need to keep that out of my stories so thank you for pointing that out and because of that this chapter is your treat! **

**Hoped you enjoyed!**

**Til next time~ **


	4. They're all the same

**Ok, last chapter until next week people and boy did I make this long!  
><strong>**We are now changing POVS so for you all won't get confused; this is RITSU'S POV now! **

**Yeah~~~**

**As always, please enjoy and I'll see you guys at the end! (~^u^)~ **

**Enjoy~**

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><p>Heroes...they are all the same.<p>

Loyal.  
>Honest.<br>Good.

And all the Villains are the same.

Traitors.  
>Deceitful.<br>Evil.

But does anybody knows, I mean EXACTLY knows what makes the villains the bad guys? Exactly who is a villain in this existence we call our lives? Can anyone tell me the answer?

Take a paper, a pen, and go out and ask people their thoughts on what makes the villains a villain and what made them to become the bad guys. I bet you will not get a that much answers that is different than the rest.

What makes a villain, who supposedly has no heart for anybody but themselves, different than the people we cross in our daily lives?

What makes a villain different than your ex-coworkers who all done something unspeakable in their personal lives? What makes me different than Kisa, who slept with every guy he took interest in before finally settling down and yet still he doesn't treat his lover right. Or Mino, who I had to help cover for when he got so mad at an author one time, he broke into her house and threaten her with a knife.

And then there is Takano.  
>My ex boss and lover.<p>

What makes, what I done different than the things he's done in his life and the things he did to me? Can anybody tell me that? What makes, what I did to him any worse than what he did those night when I was locked in his house, forced to take everything he pushed on me? He's a villain too….and yet...he will always be my hero.

For years he's always been the definition of a hero in my book.  
>A sweet and tragically, beautiful hero who fell at my hands.<p>

The hands of an enemy.  
>Did I enjoy his fall of reign<br>No.

I did not enjoy his downfall. It broke me to break him, it stabbed me inside knowing he will not be as great or as big as he became when I first left. I had to do it though. I had to.

So I guess that does make me more of a villain.  
>I hate it but I can't deny it.<p>

Nor would I deny I didn't plan anything that happened. Some things weren't meant to happen but the ending result was in my favor. If that makes me worse than them...so be it.

When Chiaki-san approached me yesterday at the cafe with the hopes to use me as a reference. I had no idea what to do. I was initially going to turn him down and ignore everything he had to say but...I don't know. I was tired of keeping everything in, lost hope in getting better.

I guess I needed someone to talk to.  
>A stranger who would not judge me.<br>So why continue to lie?

But I never expected that stranger to call me by my first name like we were best friends. I never anticipated gaining a friend. Never planned that when he called.

I didn't know what to say so I hung up on Chiaki without answering back. God I feel like some low-life prick now! I'm no good at opening up towards others I hardly know; haven't been for years really but I do try...sometimes.

This isn't good.  
>I can't afford to make new friends right now.<br>Not when my time is short….perhaps if I wasn't….hah.

He doesn't know me well; maybe I can afford to make one new friend before my time is up. I already lost most of my friends by pushing them away and I am spilling my life to Chiaki-san. I guess that would make him some sort of friend to me. Like some ally….

***RING RING RING***

"Hello."

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU BRAT!?" Ouch! That hurts my ears!

"Calm down Hiroki!" I snap at my cousin who kept trying to keep my locked up in the house. I don't live in my apartment anymore; haven't lived there for two years now. Why would I? I'm not going to need some apartment when I'm gone and the doctors wouldn't allow me to live outside the hospital unless I had people to watch over me.

The most logical choice was living with Hiroki and his husband Nowaki. I would have picked to live with my aunt and uncle but Nowaki is a doctor and knows how to deal with me in...my episodes. And their home isn't awful; on the contrary, their home is nice and cheerful despite my cousin's raging moods.

It feels like a home should feel.  
>Not empty or isolated.<br>Nothing like my parent's house.

Hiroki and Nowaki...what a pair they make. So simple and perfect for each other for being opposites. They make me yearn for the type of love they can have...the love I had to push away. It's not their fault though; nothing is keeping them from loving each other.

Sometimes I wish my parents were like them. Interactive and attentive towards each other. Not cold and uncaring, only doing things because it is their duties as the oldest or only child. I wish my conception was because of love, not obligations. No amount of wealth or power could change my mind whenever I see Hiroki and Nowaki together.

They make me glad I'm related to them and I am going to die with memories of them.  
>Maybe the memories with them are a replacement for my lost childhood?<br>Hmm...now there's an interesting thought.

"RITSU!"

"What!"

"Where are you?! Me and Nowaki are coming to get you, you need to be back here. It's too cold outside and you have an appointment with Doctor Haitani!" What's the point?

"I'm not going." I cut my cousin off before he loses his head again. "There's no point and you and I know this."

"No we-"

"Yes we do Hiroki nii…" my voice lowers. I do not want to cry. I came to terms with the truth. "There's no donors that my body will accept. I came to terms with the results a long time ago. Please don't make me go and get some type of useless hope. I rather live my life to the fullest, working and enjoying what time I have left. Can't you let me do that?"

"...But…" He sighs sadly. I wince, hating that I'm making my cousin sad but it's the facts we have to face. We can't keep lying to ourselves. We just can't. "Ok but...don't stay out too late...promise?"

"I promise." He hangs up after that.

Promises are a tedious thing to make with people. Heartstrings others make with people close to them, to bind them and they are so easy to break. Promises always seemed liked close secrets kept away from the rest of the world. I don't really like promising things because they are easily broken.

So why make them?  
>Unless I can keep them.<p>

And for Hiroki, I will keep all promises made to him.  
>His family did a lot for me. Him and my other relatives in England.<p>

Thinking about them makes me aches to be back with them, in their warm cottage helping them rent out the rooms to guests. Taking care of my little cousin Sinful as we drove random people insane with our habits and games. I miss staying up late with my little cousin, telling her different stories about different worlds and adventures.

I miss my outcast of a cousin.  
>I miss all my family in England so much…<p>

"Daddy! Daddy! This guy looks sick like granny! Can we give him some of her soup too?" What? Soup?

I blinked down at some little blonde four year old girl pointing at me. Her doe green eyes stared straight into mine with honest wonder. She looked like a little princess from fairy tales; cute. She must have been hyper because she kept bouncing on the ball of her feet. It reminded me of Sinful and right then and there I thought:

She's adorable.  
>Then again all children are adorable to me.<p>

"You want some soup mister!" She squeaked, pushing the now noticeable bagged soup into my face. She smiles wide and gushed about her father. "My papa told me soup makes a sick person better and you look sick mister, so you want some soup to get better!"

Awe...that's so cute.  
>The power of a child's niavity.<p>

Gently pushing the bag out of my face, I lean down to be eye level with the little girl and smile, shaking my head. "What an odd child, to come talk to strangers. Don't you know trusting people easily like that could get you in trouble." She shook her head which made me laugh. "No need to get scared. I'm sorry if I scared you but you really shouldn't go talking to random strangers. Where are your parents?"

"Papa's...I don't know." Shaking my head I stand back up and start looking in different directions to see if I can find a parent looking for a child. Hopefully looking for this little girl.

"Mister…" The child pulled at the sleeve of my jacket. "You want some soup to get better?"

Smiling, I shake my head. "No thank you."

"But aren't you sick? You look sick."

Sigh….if only a child knew the cruelty life plays on people. Then maybe this would be easier to explain to her. I could always lie but I'm not comfortable lying to a little innocent girl. That's just too much, even for me.

"I am sick." She lifts the bag but I stop her. "But my sickness isn't as curable as others."

"What do you mean?" Sigh.

"Soup can't help me is all."

"Oh…" We stood silent before a name was being yelled behind us. The tiny girl turned and grinned so wide, I'm surprised her face didn't split in half like in some horror movie. "That's my papa! PAPA!"

A very tall prince looking man came running. He sparkled (what the hell?!) even though he looked worried to death. So that is this little one's parent. Screeching to a stop in front of us, we wait for him to calm down and breath before he could talk properly.

"Yasu! I told you not to run off like that. I was very worried." Looking at me now, he stares. I'm not sure if he thought I was some pedophile or something. Those thoughts were erased when he bowed. "Was she bothering you? I'm so sorry if she was. My name is Yukina Kou."

Yukina Kou….where do I know that name?  
>I'm sure I heard it...somewhere.<p>

"Nice to meet you. My name is Onodera Ritsu and it's alright. Your daughter was not bothering me but you should be careful next time. She seems to love talking to strangers." I chuckle at the blush I see pop up on the guy's face.

"S-sorry." From below, the little girl shouts, tackling her father.

"Papa! We have to get him help! He's sick and he says soup won't help him get better!" GAH!

"Yasu, don't be so rude!" This is so embarrassing. "I am so sorry once again…." Why did he get silent? Please be dense; please don't ask anything; please just leave me like I'm some weirdo. "You do look sick. Do you need to go to a hospital?"

God no!  
>I am not going back to that shithole!<p>

"I'm fine!" I defend myself without trying to lie because the little girl is around. Damn my morals sometimes! "It's sort of complicated telling people to be honest and I don't really like sympathy…" I look down at the girl to prove my point.

He gets it. "Oh, I'm sorry then."

"It's ok." I thought that was the end of it.

"Um…" Guess not. "Do you know someone by the name Kisa Shouta?"

…"Yes I do. We use to work together."

"Really!" He beamed and the rest of his worried expression washes away. "Have you seen him around lately? I know his job keeps him for three or four days but he hasn't come home in two weeks, I was beginning to worry!" The gears in my mind turn.

So this is Kisa's secret lover.  
>The person everyone was wondering about two years prior.<p>

The one Kisa use to speak so coldly about sometimes….wow I pity this guy. He looks so much like some lost puppy trying to find a home. Kisa...are you treating your family wrong...or something?

I shake my head, feeling bad as that sad, worried expression comes back, veiling Yukina kun's face. "I'm sorry but I don't work at Marukawa anymore; haven't for two years. I saw Kisa yesterday and...well our friendship isn't what is use to be. I wish I could be of more help to you, I'm sorry."

"Oh...ok, thank you anyways." Man..,I didn't even plan to depress this guy and yet here I am doing exactly that! WHAT KIND OF MORON AM I?!

"U-um...I'm not sure if this would be of any condolence but maybe work in Marukawa doubled. Sometimes that happens, when I worked there I wouldn't even live in my apartment for three weeks."

"...Really." I nod.

"It was hell." As for Kisa disappearing...yeah that I'm not too sure about but this poor guy doesn't need to know that. Out of no where my hand was grabbed shocking me. I forgot the child was still here, she was so silent as she looked up at me. Then that face splitting grin grew back.

"Papa, can we keep him!" WHAT! Ignoring my sputtering, she turns to her father who had the same expression as me. "I like him, he's kind. He's my friend. Can I keep him please, please papa!" She pouts then clings onto my legs when he says no. "PLEASE!" She has such a grip!

"No sunshine. You can't keep him. Onodera kun is a person with his own life. You wouldn't want to take him away from his life now would you?"

Tearing up, she sniffles. "No...c-can he h-hang out with u-us t-the-n pa-pa?"

Awe...puppy eyes.  
>Sigh….what the hell am I doing?<p>

Before Yukina can open his mouth, I pat Yasu on the head and nod to her father that it's alright. "I can hang out for a little while. I'm waiting for someone anyways and he won't be here until later. I got time." Yukina smiles gratefully as Yasu quickly cheers and starts running ahead of us.

"Come on! The park is this way!"

I laugh.  
>She reminds me so much of Sinful!<p>

They would get along great if they ever met.  
>I shook my head.<p>

"You daughter has a great vocabulary for a four year old." I complimented waving back to the little one when she turned and waved at me. Yukina was quiet for a moment before his voice halted my steps for a couple of seconds.

"She's six actually."

"O-oh. I'm sorry...she's just so...tiny." He laughs, an honest to god, truthful laugh.

"She's always been on the small side but yup, she is six years old and very sharp for her own age. It makes me sad...she's so grown for her age at times…" Is that depression I sense in his voice?

Curiosity is a bitch.  
>I guess that means I'm the kind of bitches then.<p>

"What happened to her mother?" Silence but that's ok. I'm not going to back down from my question. Curiosity gripped me so tight, it will never release until I have my answers. "You say she is so grown at times, usually when a child is grown for their age, it is because the lack of parents. I'm sorry if I am being a bit personal but I am curious."

I think I irritated him.

"Fine, if you want to know so bad then why don't you tell me what your illness is. Obviously you didn't want to say it in front of my daughter, say it to me." Hmm...this is an interesting conversation. And here I thought Yukina didn't look the type to get angry.

"Fair enough." We nod in agreement before he starts.

"Yasu's mother haven't been in Yasu's life since she was a baby. What happened to her; drugs. Yasu was passed around her mother side until she turned four, that's when I got her." I raised my eyebrow at that. "Don't look at me like that. I didn't know about Yasu until a child service person knocked on my door. I took her in and she's been living with me these past two years now. Your turn."

Well that answers most of my questions while raising new ones.  
>But a deal is a deal so here I go.<p>

"Well my illness isn't really consider an illness. Don't give me that look." I snap his words back at him. "It's more of an organ failure; precisely heart failure."

"Oh." A pregnant silent was engaged, Well what else would you expect after saying that? Death is too thick for me so I'm use to its stench but others are not. This silent though is killing-

"Couldn't you...get a new heart?" I sigh, brunching my shoulders while pulling my coat tighter around my body. Is it just me or did it get colder outside?

"I tried." I open up and let the words flow. Why am I being so open with this stranger? Maybe Chiaki's interview thing is making me have a word vomit moment? Making me throw up all I've kept in. "Since I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with heart failure. My family sent me overseas to get some medical treatment, a new heart but...well it's not as easy."

"How?" I shrug looking ahead so I would not feel anything like I did when talking to Hiroki on the phone.

"Mostly because the lack of donors. Also because the hearts the doctors were able to find for me got rejected by my body. Eventually when I came back here...well I decided no more hospitals and no more failure surgeries."

"Why?" What an innocent question.

Yet not a question I'm willing to opening share.

So I smile and walk ahead to Yasu who immediately takes my hand and pulls me to an ice cream truck. Shaking my head at the memories she brings of Sinful, I get her a mint chocolate cone; two scoops. We end up talking, well her rambling about whatever and me indulging her with replies and chuckles.

All too soon I have to leave.  
>Chiaki text me, asking where I'm at in the park.<p>

Waving and bidding them goodbye (with a tight hug by Yasu) I walk away and leave the two be. Calling Chiaki-san, I make my way back towards the entrance of the park. "Hey, I'll be there in a bit. I was just talking to some people."

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><p><strong>And that it ._. <strong>

**Yeah...like I said this story is going to be going all over the place from here on out and I wanted to get Yukina and his little sunshine in here to make things work. BE WARNED FOR MANY CHARACTERS WILL BE LIKE DOUCHES *COUGHS KISA'S NAME* AND I AM GOING TO START MIND FUCKING RITSU LATER ON SO...ANGST! **

**Take me now dear angst! **

**Once more, thank you;**

**Levinya: You will know everything Ritsu did, no worries lol. **

**TrueLove17yugi-yumi: Kisa said he will never apologize *hides behind unbreakable glass walls, smirking.* He gets worse, trust me...as for your other comment~~~ Thank you so much for such compliments:D I'm happy XD**

**Til next time~ **


	5. Why

**Yeah~ **

**Another chapter!**

**Back to Chiaki POV people and maybe some people will hate me, maybe not... XD**

**Thank you guys for reviewing; **

**The beginning is a bit short but meh, better than no beginning right?**

**Right... :D**

**SphynxOfRiddles: Awe, I'm glad I'm giving you the feels! It feels good to put emotion in my story and that readers like you can feel what I put in my story:D Thank you.**

**The-fujoshi-in-me: Shuusetsu is awesome! I am NO WHERE NEAR HER GREATNESS! Her story always brings tears to my eye D: I suck compared to the awesomeness of Shuusetsu! LETS TAKE A MOMENT TO HONOR HER XD *Passes tissue to you* But thank you for your sweet compliment. **

**Rekishichizu: WOW! I have no idea if I should be awed that you analysed my story so far or guilty because you did! As for what Ritsu did...well...guess you'll just have to wait and find out :3 As for Usagi san and Misaki; they will be in here too don't worry but It won't be because of a tragedy. Well...not much of a tragedy anyways. I'm not giving out anything but...ritsu will go through deep shit is all I will say. **

**Levinya: Thank you again and again for reviewing! Your reviews are amusing XD Yup all of them are cousins. Takano...we all know what he did to Ritsu so I don't believe I have to explain... *Gives you a panda plush then runs* **

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><p>"Can you tell us about your childhood and what it was like?" With a press of a button, we began recording.<p>

_Life after Angelic and Boston was hectic. My parents began getting more involved in my life and not in the good way. My mother had my whole life planned out from when I would wake up to who I would become when I grew up and who my wife would be. In fact, she already had my engagement planned to an acquaintance to the family business but I'll get to that later._

_My father had me home schooled until I was fourteen. I was kept busy with my classes and tutors, extra activities, etc. He wanted me to grow up strong and sharp like him. To be able to put people in their places at work while dashing a smile to the media. For that I was forced into acting classes._

_Um...well there really isn't much to my childhood except that I hated it. I had to excel at everything; Martial arts, art, manual, labor but the main subject I had to overachieve in was literature. That, as everyone knows, is the foundation of Onodera publishing so it makes sense that their heir would have to be excellent and over knowledgeable when it comes to literature._

_Everyone, my parents, teachers, even the servants all pounded literature into me. Made me read books and everything with words written on it. I had no time to play around or be on my own. My parents had me constantly watched and kept in the mansion. I had no social life...so there was no choice but to stick to the books. They became my friends, something I could count on the books to be there for me for everything and would keep me from going insane from loneliness._

_When I did have time to myself (which was rare in itself) I would stay in my room and read. Did you know I hated reading? I did but...like I said they were my only constant sane thing in my life so I couldn't stop. Stopping would mean going back to reality; going back to two perfect obsessed parents and being the heir to a company I never wanted to take over. Soon enough I began teaching myself many things through the words of books; surpassing even my own private tutors._

_I remember the time when I learned what freedom tasted like._

_Sweet~_  
><em>Tangy~<em>  
><em>And oh so addicting.<em>

_My parents thought the outside world was what made the human race idiotic but the outside world is what expands the brain. Books can only teach a person so much. Experience is the best knowledge there is when learning the ways of the world and I learned that all throughout my high school years._

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><p>"The tape is finished Chiaki kun." Ritsu tapped the recorder with his index finger. We sat at a cemented table, the ones old people play chess at in the park.<p>

"Gah! I forgot to bring more tapes...damn." Note to self: bring more tapes for recorder next time. Hmm...and stock up on tapes too because I think I'm running out.

"No problem, besides it seems your mind is anywhere but in this moment. What were you so upset about?" He reads me like a book which I shouldn't be surprise now that I think about it.

Reading was his everything...

I groan while dropping my head back to look at the gray skies. Everything is gray these days….cloudy and unclear. "Nothing much...Hatori was yelling at me because Kisa told him I was talking to you." There is no way I am admitting I got mad for him!

He's already acting like I didn't call him by his first name. Like he was my new best friend. There's no need to make him more uncomfortable! So I awkwardly smile and scratch the back of my head as I looked back at Ritsu. "I'm frustrated to be honest. Me and Hatori use to be best friends since childhood but now...we may as well be complete strangers when we're not working. I guess I got pissed and had to take a walk...like you said."

"He's a workaholic Chiaki, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still care about you." What? Care? He works me to the friggin bone and not once does he even sit down and eat or just talk unless its yelling! He became distant too! "Chiaki?"

"Huh?" Why is his eyes narrowed at me?

It's creeping me out...please stop.

"I do not know anything about your guys history but I do know that Hatori does care for you. When I use to work in Marukawa, the only person Hatori would go over to yell or get was you. He also would talk about how much he had to care for you; doing laundry and cooking. Yes he was complaining but...everyone could see in his eyes, the fondness he has for you."

My eyes widen.  
>Is...is that true?<p>

I wanted to ask that but...I couldn't. I don't even know why I wanted to know. Swallowing the questions down, I steer the conversation towards Ritsu.

Ritsu avoided all my questions.  
>Not everything but most things that I guess he didn't feel easy talking about.<p>

I guess he'll only talk when the recorder was on; this is only business but I wish it wasn't. Why is he trying to push me away; why would anyone push people away? Isolation...is that what you want Ritsu? To be isolated, alone, and for what?

...because he's dying.

"So what do you do now then? You're not an editor anymore, what's your job now?" We were walking through a busy street due to people getting ready for Feburary; specifically valentines day which celebrates love every once a friggin year!

I wish I could meet someone one day and fall in love.  
>To know how it feels.<p>

Then I don't because of how it affects people. All these reds and whites, pinks and cards and decorations...the heartache people go through when they break up with love ones or how forever alone I feel because I never have anyone during valentine day.

I don't think I would be able to handle something like that.  
>Heh, I would be a wreck to be honest.<p>

Going back to the conversation between me and Ritsu; he shrugged nonchalantly looking at all the bright decorations in the stores. "I vary in many jobs really. Sometimes I work at my cousin's school as the drama teacher, other times a friend needs my help at his job and I go over there and help. Anything to stay out of bed you know? It's enjoyable really. I go at my own pace, do things I enjoy with no hassle most of the time, and can come home and get decent sleep. Unlike when I was working in Marukawa."

"Huh...sounds like a dream job or jobs." We crack up at that.

Spending time, walking around with Ritsu was the most relaxing time I've ever had. We chatted until our mouths hurt and laughed until it felt like our guts we're coming up our throats. The time I spent with him opened my eyes to a world I never realized existed before.

My world.

I spend every second of the day in my life writing about various worlds and adventures for different characters that I never stopped and just looked around at my own world. The world I live in. I don't explore my beloved homeland or go on my own adventures. It was always focusing on my work; no time to experience the beauty of the city or the countryside where I grew up.

It was foreign, my beloved Tokyo, as I walked down the pavements and looked through all its shops and people. I was a fish in an ocean, watching schools of fish move together like they were in a dance.

Ritsu was the only fish standing out in this vast playground we call our home.

Yet he looked at peace with himself.  
>And he looked sad with himself as well.<p>

I'm learning so much about Ritsu but he keeps everyone away. It makes me determined to be his friend no matter how short our friendship will be. I want to be his friend, someone he can be calm and talk to. Not for my book, but because I want to be his friend.

It's with that promise I returned home.

The day tired me out more than I realized because once I sat on my couch back home, I knocked out like a light. I dreamt of the book I will be be typing starting the next day. I dream of my character, my villain and how I made her misunderstood in my first book. How she didn't deserve the ending she had yet it was fitting.

I dream of how she would look as a child. How her parents remained horrible shadows ruling her life. What she probably felt when she met the protagonist and befriended him, everything before her life turned to bitterness.

It's funny.

I made the character, gave her, her personality;  
>Yet Ritsu pushed me to go in depth with my antagonist.<p>

And embrace that fact she's a person just like my protagonists.  
>The twisted irony.<p>

Does this mean I'm some twisted, sadistic, freak?

As I was dreaming, something woke me up. My body felt weird; something was touching me, doing something to my body as my brain was trying to swim to the surface of reality. There was slight pressure on my lips and something being poked into my mouth. Opening my eyes...Tori was...kissing me.

I sat up fast, catching Tori off guard as he was kissing me. "T-Tori?" Why was he kissing me? Maybe I'm still dreaming? That's not possible though and why would I dream about Tori doing such a thing while I'm sleeping? What's going...Tori… "Tori...are you...gay?"

He flinched.  
>So he is.<p>

"There's nothing wrong with that Tori...I don't honestly care but...why? Why did you-OOF!" My precious wind was forced out of me as Tori pushed me down and got on top of me. "T-T-Tori!?"

He started stripping me of my clothes.

"W-what are you doing?! Tori!"

I pleaded.

"Stop Tori! Tori! HATORI!"

He was persistent.  
>I was scared.<p>

He was relentless.  
>I could only endure.<p>

I cried throughout the whole thing, my mind frantically trying to be anywhere else but at that moment. It was futile though and when everything did calm down in my body and mind, I heard Hatori's voice call my name.

"Yoshino." I had some sort of tone to it, a tone I hated hearing with my name. He made a face. Why is he making such a face when he did this to me?

I should be the one making that broken face.  
>The only one.<p>

So why?  
>In the morning Hatori was gone and I was left sore, frightened, and with only one question on my lips.<p>

**"Why?"**


	6. Reunion

**:D**

**Thank you;**

**Levinya: you have a collection of pandas too?! XD Ritsu remained innocent because he was sheltered before he was allowed to go to a public school. Also I never said anything about him being totally innocent *smirks* You will find out what I mean in my later chapters (once I post them grrr) but to give a spoiler, he was technically innocent because he was being introduced to so many new things like love, school, trusting and etc. He's sharp but naive to things he never grew up with. It would be easier to understand as the story progresses. **

**As for this chapter POV~ **

**Drum roll please~~~!**

***nchndiojcnwhbdchuwjnchjdbihusjknhwbdjchwiudjksncwhjnckdm***

**YUKINA! **

**Yeah I was having a moment (moment being half dead and running on monster) when I wrote this chapter. I thought I'd speed things up and make it somewhat cute ^_^ **

**ENJOY!**

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><p>Onodera Ritsu...what a character he was when we met at the park. I'm sort of glad, no, I am glad Yasu ran off that day. Talking with Onodera helped me forget the current pain brought on by my lover Kisa. I was hoping to run into him again after that day but...no such luck. I guess the world didn't want me to have a friend to lean on.<p>

He seemed like someone I could trust.

It is February already; valentine day and I was hoping to spend this day with Kisa. He came back the day I met Ritsu, claiming work needed him and got too hectic for him to come home. I doubted that work kept him from the house but I said nothing.

Yasu didn't need to see us fighting.

Yesterday I dropped Yasu off with my family since it's a special day for me and Kisa today to spend time together alone. I had the whole day planned out; breakfast in bed, a nice date out today (just the two of us) and then I would give him his gift.

Today would be the day I would propose to my lover.  
>That was all ruined in the morning.<p>

It's upsetting remembering how my planning went skyward towards the friggin sun then blasted into tiny bits! I woke up and made breakfast (check one off plan list!) and was going to go to the bedroom to wake Kisa up only to find him already awake and dressed (wait for it.) for WORK!

Yes work!

Apparently he got a call from his boss Takano Masamune saying it was urgent he comes into today. So with a peck on my cheek and a snatch at the toast on the plates I carried, Kisa san left me...today...on valentine day. The day meant for LOVE!

What the living, actual hell?  
>Who does that on valentine day?<p>

Ok, I know I sound like some asshole who wants all his lover's attention and throws a fit when he doesn't get it but I can't help if I sound like that! It was Kisa's day off. He leaves all the time and only returns for one day. It's been going on since Yasu came.

He doesn't like Yasu.  
>I know that he doesn't.<p>

Kisa...exactly what is it you do...when you're away from here?

Upset and heartbroken, I go to my parents house to hang out before taking Yasu back home with me. Kisa hasn't even met my own family. Correction; he doesn't want to meet my family. Why, beats me. My family knows all about him because I talk about him all the time; they know he's a guy and they're fine with that.

Why can't Kisa be?

"What's wrong sweetie?" My mother questioned, setting a plate of heart shaped cookies down on the table between me and my daughter. They love my little girl.

They also love spoiling her just as much as I enjoy spoiling her!

I remember my mother's face when we found out I had a daughter; she kicked my ass but smothered Yasu in nothing but love. My dad (much like me) squealed when he saw Yasu and immediately went into "Father knows all" mode. Yeah...my dad is more of a woman than my mother when it comes to cute things or people, hence why I love Shojo manga.

Yasu loves her grandparents too but I think that's because her other grandparents treated her badly…

Right away Yasu set on the task of devouring the cookies. As for me, I couldn't look at the hearts. "Kisa got called into work...again….he doesn't know when he'll be able to come back...this time...I don't know what to do anymore mom. I try talking; he doesn't open up and leaves longer. I tried going on dates; today is an example of what happens. I keep my temper in check; he lashes out. I don't know how to handle this anymore."

"Why don't you and Kisa break up?" My eyes popped out, Why would she say such a thing?! I can't leave Kisa… Mom's eyes softened knowing exactly what I was thinking. She always had a gift of knowing me even when I didn't know myself. "Your relationship with him is obviously not working out sweetie. It takes two to make a relationship work. One can't carry the burden of keeping both flames alive. You should sit down and talk to him; if it doesn't work out then leave it be and move on."

Wise words from a wise woman but it's not as easy as she says it is.  
>I can't leave Kisa san.<br>My heart won't allow that.

**But he can always leave me...**  
><strong>His heart isn't bound to me…<strong>

… "You want a cookie dear?"

"No thank you...mom, where's Fuji?" I haven't seen him at all today. "Is he out on a date or something?" Lucky older brother.

"Nope."

"WHAT! You serious!?" That's not possible! Fuji is a dating addict; a complete player in the dating world and he didn't manage to score someone for valentine day?! IS THE WORLD COMING TO AN END!?

The madness!

"He had work today at the studio." Eh? So because he's working today, he's not going on a date? "But when he comes back he's getting ready to meet up with his date." Sighing in relief, I slump in the stool. Thank god. Fuji without a date scared me big time!

It's good to know the world will still survive for many years.  
>I was scared that Fuji almost destroyed us all.<p>

"So he's having problems with the bands today?" My brother Fuji is a manager at NG, the biggest music company in Japan owned by Tohma Seguchi. Last year he replaced some american Foreigner that use to manage that one band, Bad Luck.

He's doing well for himself.  
>Doing what he loves.<br>Music.

From the front door, we hear it slam and then loud talking and yelling. Fuji comes into the kitchen rubbing his head. "Hey mom, Kou, little gremlin." he greets before sitting on the stool next to me. "Sorry for the noise mom. I had to bring the band here since Shuichi decided he wanted to blow up the studio room today in order to try getting out of working."

I laughed at his pain.  
>At least I am not the only one suffering on this damn Valentine day.<p>

As he yells to the band to get their butts in the kitchen so they can all go over some of the singer's songs, I pick up a cookie to eat before my eyes land on another person that doesn't belong to the band.

"Onodera?" Shuichi was dragging Onodera into the kitchen, babbling something I couldn't understand because of his rush talking. Onodera was yelling/demanding to be let go and that Shuichi should just shut up and do his work properly, then he wouldn't be in trouble.

Yasu jumped out of her stool when she saw Onodera. She jumped off with cookies still in her mouth and ran to Onodera like he was the human race's last living source. "Rit-nii!" Onodera never saw the wrecking ball that was my daughter coming. All he knew was Shuichi let him go and then next he had his neck in my sunshine's choke hold, held captive once again. Well...our reunion couldn't have gotten any better.

"Yasu?" Light green eyes blinked under fluttering long lashes before glancing at me with the same questioning gaze. "Yukina?"

A chuckle escaped me. I couldn't help it; Onodera's face looked so priceless with his mouth open like some fish! "Hey~" I waved.

Things calmed after that and before I knew it, Yasu, Onodera and I were out and about on this dreary Valentine day. We just decided to hang out really and I wanted to talk to him again, to forget the way my plan blew up in a single instance. Ritsu seemed to want the same thing, that and to get away from the Bad Luck singer.

Why was he with the band anyways?

When I asked, he grumbled a bit moody but answered nevertheless. "Me and Shuichi met before he got really famous, we became friends and I sometimes go to the studio to help them with their music. Most of the time though Shu kidnaps me because he "gets bored easily at work." I was having such a great sleep before he busted down my door and dragged me out."

Sheesh...both of our plans for today was ruined.  
>I feel a bit less lonely now.<p>

"By the way, I didn't know you were related to Fuji." I shrug. Not many people do because Fuji always like going by his first name and not his last name. So many never make the connection until they see us together.

Yasu was clinging to Onodera like a cute little monkey and rubbing her cheek against his. I tried taking her from his arms but she started throwing a fit. In the end Onodera said it was alright and has been carrying her. They made a great picture together. Something that I always pictured Kisa doing with Yasu, holding her lovingly and both are smiling, getting along…

"You don't like Valentine day?" Huh? "You look depressed, just thought I'd ask is all. You don't have to tell me anything." Oh...Onodera can read me so well.

Shivering from the cold a bit, I adjust my jacket so my neck wasn't exposed and kept walking. I wish I wasn't depressed today then maybe I would be more open to talking. That's what I wanted anyways, someone to talk to yet my mouth doesn't seem to want to open and spill out what weighing down my heart.

"I don't like Valentine day."

"Excuse me?" Onodera smiled as if he didn't just admit hating a loving day for couples everywhere and continued to make some sort of conversation.

"Actually its more how people see Valentine day that I hate."

"How so?"

"Look around, Valentine day is all about love. Everyone assumes love is only meant for couples and so they go out and buy chocolate, gifts, go on dates...if you have no lover or date, people immediately becomes depressed." I gulp at that part. "But...does anyone stop and realize that maybe that's not what Valentine day about? It's love in general and that could be for anything."

Yasu intervenes in this part. "Like what Rit-nii?"

My hearts beat picks up when the questioned chuckles and nuzzled my sunshine's nose with his own. It made me feel warm seeing someone loving my daughter like she was his own. "What I mean little one is that Valentine day isn't only for two people like a mother and father. It can be for family too."

Family…

"L-like me and papa?" Yasu? "I wanted to spend today with Papa but he said this day wasn't for kids." I did tell her that but that was because I wanted to spend time with Kisa-ok now I do sound like a prick right there.

Shifting her so she wouldn't fall, Onodera smiles looking ahead. I can see the gears shift in his brain. "I guess your father didn't know any better than." Those eyes glance at me, making me feel like I should apologize for some reason. "I use to spend Valentine day with my little cousin and her family."

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm. It was tradition when I lived with them. We would all spend the day going out and doing what we could as a family. Watch movie, go to an amusement park; A family day you know? Then when we returned home, we would bake a heart shape cake and me and my cousin would design it however we wanted and stayed up late watching movies or telling stories to see who can spook out others the most. One time though, me and my cousin placed a fake toy spider in the cake and when it went off, my aunt screamed so loud she broke her favorite glass cup."

Yasu and I busted our butts off laughing so hard hearing Onodera's story about his family. Yasu was bouncing in his arms with excitement. I have never seen her this hyped for anything or anyone. Not once.

It makes me feel happy seeing how happy she is.  
>It's all thanks to Onodera.<p>

"Where is your cousin now Rit-nii? I wanna meet her!" The brunet's smile drops then picks up again. Yasu missed the sad look but I didn't.

"They're in England little one."

"Eh? Why?"

"I lived with them because I went to school and college in England but when I was done...I had to come home."

"Oh." What can anyone say?

"You remind me of Sinful." We blink at him as his shy smile comes back to life. "That's my cousin's name; Sinful. You and her have this same type of personality. It sort of makes me miss the twerp and her family." chuckling at the end he stops in front of a diner. "I'm hungry. Want to eat with me Yasu, Yukina?"

"Sure."

"Yea~!"

As Yasu was stuffing her mouth with a waffle special (she finally let go of Onodera.) I took the chance to open my mouth at last and share some things with Onodera.

"Today was supposed to be a day for me and...Kisa." I scrutinize his expression, to see if he was disgusted with my sexuality but he only nodded and asked what happened. He even showed a bit of sympathy. "I thought today was a great date-day for Kisa and I; I had the whole day planned since Kisa works a lot," or so I'm believing with my everything. "But that went down the drain. Kisa got called into work today and he said he doesn't know when he'll be back this time."

This time he said…  
>Why does it sound like he might not come back…<p>

There's a thoughtful look on Onodera's face before we both notice Yasu had finished her plate and had made a mess of herself. Laughing heartily, Onodera beat me to taking some napkins and wiping my daughter's face off.

"That sounds tough. Did the company get busier over the years?" he was asking himself this. "Well all was not lost if you can see here. You're celebrating Valentine with your daughter. That's something nobody can ruin right?"

Slowly I nod.

"You're such a good person." We both freeze at that.

Why the heck would that come out of my mouth?!

Keeping his focus on my daughter, that gentle face goes solemn. "I'm not a good person. Not at all. No one is good then again what is good and what is bad? Does anyone know?" Shivering, from what I had no idea, he blinks at himself before giving a weak grin. "I'm sorry...I have issues with being put in those categories."

"I'm sorry?"

"Rit-nii! Rit-nii!" Yasu got in his lap and cuddled his chest. "Be my Valentine!"

That brings the lively smile back from Onodera. Patting her luscious hair, he says nothing and just continues to hold her, rocking her back and forth. "Sinful and you would be best friend if ever met. Maybe I should give her call today and tell her about you. I want to see how jealous she gets haha."

As if some being from upstairs heard our conversation, Onodera's phone started ringing. "Oh?" Taking it out and answering it, he doesn't put it to his ear which confuses me at first.

"RITSU! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU LEAVE OUT THE HOUSE ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO CHAIN YOU TO YOUR BED. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE RESTING!" me and my daughter jumped from the angry voice coming from the phone. It wasn't on speaker either! "WHERE THE HE-"

"Calm down Hiroki nii." His brother?

"DON'T TELL ME TO-"

"I'm serious." Onodera's voice became menacing, daring the caller to disobey him. It made me shiver yet Yasu looked unfazed as can be and continued to cuddle him like some teddy bear. "There's children here so don't go swearing. You can curse me out later."

The angry voice quieted down until I couldn't hear the caller no more and only Onodera.

"I know….actually it wasn't really my fault this time. I was dragged out of the house...yes it was Shu. I don't know why. Why don't you tell him that yourself? I'm fine for the very last time; I'm just wandering around, hanging out with some friends. No, I am not going to tell you. Maa, so many questions. Yes I took it so I will be fine, stop worrying….is that Nowaki?" ? "Gross."

?

What just went on and should I be worried?

When he hung up we decided it was time to leave after paying the bill. It was late now, almost night time and feeling bad for taking up Onodera's day (especially since he had a heart problem) I didn't want him going back to his place this late so I insisted he comes home with me and Yasu.

"Pardon my intrusion." He said stiffly as if he was expecting someone to attack him with a butcher knife.

He did say that his and Kisa friendship wasn't how it use to be.  
>Maybe he's afraid that Kisa is here and a fight will insure?<p>

"Come on in!" Yasu pulled him as he took off his shoes.

We spent the rest of the night picking out movies and watching them. It was fun. Not what I planned but it was fun and...sweet. We watched movies picked by Yasu which was all very good movies considering my little sunshine loves Superhero movies. We watched Hellboy, The Hulk, Iron Man, she fell asleep during Spiderman; she knocked out on Onodera's lap.

After tucking her in her bed with her favorite stuffed toy (A batman plushie) I walk back to the couch where Onodera was finishing watching Spiderman. We sat together in silence, not really knowing how to ease into a casual conversation. Well I didn't know how.

Being by Onodera made me feel weird.  
>Less confident in myself.<p>

He made me nervous but...not in a bad way.  
>If that makes any sense?<p>

"Iron Man is a better superhero if you ask me."

"No way, Superman is the best of them all!" This conversation started suddenly...was it really that easy? Why was I thinking it was so hard then? Maybe I should get my brain checked.

Laughing into his drink I gave him, Onodera mocks Superman. "A man who has every power known to man and is unstoppable until he faces a piece of rock from his own home planet. Ok if you say so…"

"Well then, why do you like Iron Man then? All his powers come from some hand made suite. There's nothing special about that." He shakes his head at me.

"You poor fool. That's the beauty of Iron Man. He's just some regular human who decided to fix a wrong he did since his father's company was passed onto him. He could have lived a regular life and left the saving to heroes with natural born powers like Superman but he didn't. He showed that you don't have to be born with powers to be a hero; heck he doesn't even consider himself a hero if you pay attention. He doesn't hide under a disguise and live two lives. He stands out and faces the consequences. You sir, have dissed a great hero."

"I-I never saw it like that before...wow. Are you some kind of philosopher for heroes because that was so cool!"

"No. I just like movies is all and their hidden messages."

After all that I can tell!

Feeling some of my confidence building back up, I take this chance to properly thank the man who made this horribly gone wrong day fun. "Thank you Onodera. You really help me feel better today and Yasu too."

Giving a wry grin, he replied "Happy valentine day Yukina."

The ringtone of my phone went off as I was going to say the same back to Onodera, apologizing to him, I answer the call. "Hello?"

Moans.  
>Groans.<br>Names.

Two names.  
>Two people.<br>I wish I never answered.

Sitting so close to Onodera, he heard the voices too. His eyes widen as we heard Kisa making those sexual noises, calling out his boss's name and the slap of flesh.

I couldn't move, couldn't think, but most of all I couldn't breath. I worried about this happening sometimes, I forced myself not to think about it when I do worry, but now...my fear became reality. And I did nothing but listen to the awful squishing, ecstasy noises.

Onodera did what my body couldn't do for me.

Prying the phone out of my hand, he hung up and tosses it on the table by his side. He doesn't start anything, does not say those cliche words of "I'm sorry" or "It wasn't meant to be." None of that or something along those line leave his lips.

To my surprise, Onodera brought my head on his lap and let me cry out my heart on his legs. He rubbed my scalp with his fingers until the tears began to slow and I drifted off to sleep. Yeah...happy Valentine to me.

In the morning I woke up on the couch, alone.  
>Onodera must have left...like Kisa left….<p>

Wait...What's that smell?

Sniffing the air and sitting up, a cover dropped to my waist. When then I get a cover? All I remember is crying like a baby on Onodera's lap.

Getting up and folding the soft blanket, I make my way into the kitchen and see probably one of the most endearing sights in history! My little sunshine and Onodera was covered in ingredients making okonomiyaki. They were laughing and Yasu was awing at Onodera's culinary skills. I was awing too.

"Good morning." Onodera spotted me, grabbing my daughter's attention as well.

"PAPA!" She ran to me and hugged me getting the ingredients on me. "Rit-nii is showing me how to make Okonomiyaki! He's so cool! Look! Look! Come look papa!" Onodera blushed at the praise but acted like he heard nothing.

"She was hungry and I thought I'll do something as thanks for letting me stay. Um...this one is yours." The table was set for only two. After voicing this, Onodera grinned apologetically. "I can't stay. My cousin Hiroki (the one that yelled at me over the phone) called me again. I have an appointment today at the doctors." To prove his point, his phone started ringing like crazy before he answered it.

I didn't want him to walk out and go so before he could set foot out the door, my hand reacted on its own and grabbed him. My heart beat was increasing and the warmth from Onodera's arm seemed to spread like liquid throughout my body. I had the crazy urge to pick him up and hug him tightly but I refrained.

It was hard.  
>I had to hold myself back.<p>

Instead I decided to ask for some contact information.

He seemed a bit hesitant, looking away then at the time on his phone. My pulse was going crazy, afraid that he would refuse and leave forever. What if he never wants to see me or Yasu again? Why am I worrying about any of this? Why am I feeling this way? Why isn't he saying anything?!

I got a stiff nod.  
>And he gave me a paper with his number and address written down.<p>

"Bye." He rushed away with his ear glued to the phone, running down the sidewalk. I stood at the entrance staring at the paper. My face hurts for some reason...I'm smiling?

I was smiling and it wouldn't go away.  
>I didn't want my smile to go away.<br>Not this time.

Closing the door, I walked back to the kitchen with a bounce in my steps, and ate Onodera's delicious Okonomiyaki with my little sunshine.

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><p><strong>Til next time~<strong>

**:3**

**Panda on people! **


	7. Inferno

**:D**

**Thank you;**

**Rekishichizu: I know we already discussed with each other but I still want to thank you for your awesome reviews in my mail and your speculations on this story XD **

**Levinya: PANDA COLLECTIONS FOR ALL! *High fives back* Yeah, this is the same Fuji from fragile heart. I hardly use him and since Yukina was visiting his family, I had to put him in there lol. He'll probably come back later. Maybe. If I need him again to have a brotherly talk with Kou or whatever :3 Hahaha you're right about this being a Yukina x Onodera fanfic. I know not many people like mixing the couples, me at times too since I love Ritsu x Takano but since this is a special story where couples need to be mixed, Yukina is the best choice! I mean, can you see ritsu with anybody else like Hatori or Mino? Definitely not...if you can then that's great but I can't :/ Yeah I made the good and bad contradict their own meanings because honestly good and bad makes no sense to me. People around me say I'm an asshole because I joke around a lot but what makes my jokes different than a random stranger who pops out of no where with a killer mask on when you are walking home in the night. He did it as a joke. It is sort of like that and I am talking too much. Sorry!  
><strong>

**TheLove17yugi-yami: Daaawww~ I'm not the only one obsessed with Gravitation yes! XD Also thank you so much for the comment and here the next chapter! So sit back, get a snack you love, and as always~~~**

**ENJOY~**

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><p><em>My first year of high school was the window of freedom for me. I couldn't spread my wings and fly out of the window but I was able to feel the licks of its wind against my feathers which was enough for me in the beginning.<em>

_The reason I was allowed to go to a public high school is because of the media. People wanted to see my educational status, for that my parents didn't want to deal with the news people stalking outside our house while I was being tutored. Privacy meant a lot to them, keeping every secret hidden inside the walls of the mansion. They were not willing to let me ruin that so off to high school I went and goodbye to homeschooling._

_My first year of high school was very frightening for me. I think that's how it was for lots of people but I could not help but feel like I was the only one scared when I took my first step on the school ground. People stared a lot at me, whispered some words here and there when they thought I was not paying attention to them. I got lost a lot as well. Over a course of two months I got use to the stares and the whisper. I also got use to the constant bullying as well._

_All the kids in my classes had it in their heads that my life was perfect; that I was a baby that needed someone to protect me. I tried ignoring them as long as they didn't lay their hands on me and that seemed to work...until the months progresses. Their taunts increased in a way that took it too far. My first week they singled me out and called me simple names; baby, weakling, scrawny nerd. Ignoring those were easy since I heard worse from my father and mother when they spoke of my lack of weight during my martial arts sessions._

_But as my time in the school continued, their taunts became less mocking and leaned more towards sexual harassment. I don't know if they just said those things because they wanted to see me riled up or just because they couldn't get laid by a girl. They made it their goal to pass jokes about my body structure and whether or not I was really male or a female trying to pass as a male. _

_It made me self-conscious about the way I looked and if what they said was true or not. Nights I spent either covering up the body mirror in my room for fear of looking at myself and thinking of their taunts. I was on the too thin side, eating never helped me much so I started wearing slightly baggy clothes to cover my body up from their eyes. It also shielded my eyes from the body I wished I never had. At lunch time, I usually hid in the library because the bullies never ventured in there; books bored them enough in class._

_That was my sanctuary.  
><em>_My safe place away from home and people._

_After three months the bullying had to stop. Um...I am a bit ashamed about why it stopped. My parents covered it up as an accident but...well that wasn't so. It was the end of the day for school and I was walking home. Normally I would stay behind after school for...reasons that I would tell you later on...but my mother wanted me home straight after school that day. They had news to give me, news I didn't want to hear but nevertheless I had to obey._

_The day was odd for me. I went through the whole school day un-harassed or whispered about. I dared thought that maybe my bullies grown tired of trying to rile me up and decided to leave me alone from then on. It was just two blocks away from the school when my bullies ambushed me on my way home._

_They came from each corner of me, four in total, and their leader had a wooden bat. Our meetings involved their usual insults. I would have ignored them as always if the leader didn't decided to swing the bat at me. They wanted to humiliate me by stripping me of my clothes and taking some pictures to post around the school._

_I never took kind to being swung at when I was a kid.  
><em>_I was taught to attack when attacked in my martial arts classes and by my father._

_Defense was second nature to me so when my main bully swung the bat at me, my body reacted and I broke the arm he was holding the bat with. I broke it so the bone stuck out of his flesh and then took the bat before the others could follow suit and attack me._

_They got a few good hits in, broke two of my ribs and sprained my wrist, but I beat them all to a bloody pulp. One of our counselors from the school stopped me from doing them anymore damage when she was driving by. An ambulance was called and so was my parents. I never made it home on time that day and the bullies never made it to school until half a month later._

_I made a disgrace to my parents and they had to cover the fight up. I wasn't sent to jail or taken by the cops, I was put in therapy due to the court's order._

_Therapy was….unsatisfying.  
><em>_I think it twisted me up more than what I originally was,_

_My therapist was a sadistic tub of lard. He enjoyed venturing in my mind and messing with me and other kids who had him as a therapist on an emotional and psychological level. My time with him was testy. We would talk, he would find many ways to push my buttons; ask about what the bullies would say to me while he made some awkward gestures._

_I never felt comfortable with my therapist._

_During our sessions he would invade my personal space and be a bit too touchy with his hands. He wouldn't even listen to what I had to talk about. Other time he would say something I couldn't find a way to respond back to in fear of...saying the wrong things. If I am not being as clear as I think then I'll say it like this._

_My therapist was a pedophile._

_I was one of the lucky patients for he never put his hands too far on me or to be correct; he never got the chance to go as far as he did with me like he did to his other patients. I was not blind to his intentions or exactly what his touches and gestures meant. It disgusted me knowing what he was and that my therapy sessions were being wasted with the bastard so I decided to deal with it like I did with my bullies, only...I was smarter this time around._

_It was a Tuesday; four weeks of my therapy and everything was planned in my mind. I went in his office as always and acted upset and vulnerable since he often took advantage of those types of kids. We proceeded with questions and me telling a story (I do not remember the story I told him). As I predicted, he sat right by me, his knee brushing mine and his hand ghosting up my thigh. His touch was...beyond revolting. It sent horrible chills through my body but I remained acting like I was too distraught to notice._

_Then he leaned down to my neck and that is when I took my chance._

_Before I went in the office I brought a taser with me; I hid it in my pants pocket and covered it with a long jacket I had. When he leaned down to nibble my neck, I swiped the taser out, turned it on and tasered his neck. He fell like a sack of garbage in a second, unable to move or call out for help. Exactly how I and most likely how his victims felt. My parents never did listen to me when I tried telling them about the worthless man which is why I dealt with it myself._

_The shock didn't last long but it lasted long enough time for me to carry out the rest of my plan. I destroyed everything in the office with my body. I threw myself at the desk, the pictures on the wall, I made sure I was as beaten and injured as a victim would be. In his desk I also found pictures of his victims and what he did to them; I made sure to scatter them around before falling to the ground._

_I know it sounds silly that I beat my own self but the court needed evidence and a victim willing to speak out in order for that piece of shit to finally be caught and locked up. So I decided I would be the willing victim to speak up and testify against him when I planned the whole thing. It worked perfectly too if I do say so myself._

_My therapist limited paralysis wore off and he was going to beat me himself. He picked up my body and raised his fist at the perfect moment when people, his bosses and coworkers rushed into the room. They heard the commotion I made._

_When I saw them I made myself cry and started begging for help.  
><em>_The prick was taken away and as I said, everything went as I planned._

_Many other kids came forth after I testified, they shared their stories and got the justice they deserved. My parents didn't care about that or the fact that the therapist they sent me to was a pedophile for years. seventeen years in fact. They cared only about the time and money wasted on me and the fact they had to once again cover up anything related to me and the trial. I didn't mind that since I hated the papers and being on the cover of things._

_The wounds I had healed and I went back to school as usual. I got to get classes off though because I was already advanced in many of my classes and most of my teachers and the principle felt sympathetic to me. I was allowed to do as I pleased and I decided to spend my time in the library._

_I didn't need the library anymore since my bullies were too frighten to come close to me and I wasn't leaving for my house for a while but the library was the only place I knew where to find him. He was very special to me even when he had no clue about me at the time. I saw him once before I started high school in the same library and I had been drawn to him ever since._

_His name was** Saga Masamune**._

* * *

><p>It freaks me out that Ritsu could tell me all of that in his childhood with a nonchalant look on his face. He's a good guy, misunderstood as far as I can see, but that really scares me. He scares me with his lack of angerdepression.

"Is that so?" I jumped, wide eyed and unaware that Ritsu had heard me. When did I even speak? Laughing quietly at me, Ritsu sips his coffee while waving for me to sit back down. "I apologize; I did not know you didn't mean that for my ears to hear."

"S-sorry!" I shakily take my drink in my hands, wincing slightly at how my back still hurts from two months ago, that or my mind is imagining the awful thing Tori did to me. After that night, I haven't seen Tori since. The company sent a new editor for me now and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Oh god… "I wish I could be as composed and nonchalant as you…"

It would make life easier.  
>To be unfeeling of the things that happens to me…<p>

"That's where you're wrong Chiaki." Huh? "I'm not composed or nonchalant at all. I may act it and look like I can give less than a rat's ass about people but...maa, if only you and the world could see the things that go on in my head."

"What do you mean?"

"Nobody is emotionless Chiaki. To tell you the truth; I'm nothing but a mess on the inside; I just don't like showing it to the whole world. The world won't care; nobody will slow down and check on me if they knew. No. The world goes on, people live on, and in the end we all disappear with no one. It's the way of life. Also I pretty much mellowed out over the years so I honestly don't care about most things unless they concern me or the people I love."

I saw a glint in his eye when he spoke about being emotional when it comes to the people he cares about. I felt a shiver spread down my body when I saw that glint; he reminded me of some yakuza leader being possessive of his things. When I voiced this off as a joke, Ritsu smiled and agreed.

"You have no idea how possessive I am Chiaki. No one does really." GAH! "Best be glad that I hardly take a liking to most things or people." Note to self; never get in Ritsu's way with ANYTHING!

Especially after hearing how Ritsu could beat the shit out of four bullies and even take down some pedophile; he's a freakin superhero!

Having nothing to do after our meeting since two months, I decided to hang out with Ritsu and just enjoy the day with my friend. We stop by a bookstore and look around at all the genres and sections. Half way through the fantasy section, a guy that work at Marukawa in the sales department comes over. He always scared me. So much that I forget his name when I see him.

Ritsu remembers though.

"Yokozawa san." He bows with that hollow yet respectful smile.

Yokozawa nods at him before grabbing his arm and pulling Ritsu away from me. He nods in my direction before fully getting out of earshot. I wonder what they're talking about? Ritsu doesn't work at Marukawa anymore and most people want him dead (if Kisa and Hatori's hatred was anything to go by.

I know eavesdropping is the most shittiest thing to do to people but I couldn't help myself! I had to! Carefully I ease my way to the other bookshelf in earshot of Ritsu and Yokozawa.

I could not see them but I could hear them perfectly.

Yokozawa: "You need to come with me to Marukawa."

Ritsu: "Wha-? You know I'm never going back there; not with everything I worked so hard to be kicked out of there. Why would you want me to go back there?"

Yokozawa: "Misaki."

Ritsu: "...what happened to Misaki that involves me? He hates me, like everyone else there Yokozawa san. You aren't making sense at all."

I heard said man sigh.

Yokozawa: "Guess again Onodera. I don't know what had happen but the kid been crying non-stop for you. Usami sensei is even demanding the workers to find you before the brat goes rampage. He already screamed at Masamune."

I barely held back a shocked gasp.  
>Is that the same Masamune from Ritsu's story.<p>

Saga Masamune?

I rushed/ran to catch up with them when Yokozawa pulled Ritsu out the store and down the street where Marukawa loomed high and ominous over smaller buildings. We went inside, ignored the greeter that stared warily at Ritsu, and got in the elevator to go up to the fifth floor. The floor where Hatori and Ritsu's other ex coworkers were.

There was no rest for us when those elevator door opened up. There was a great writer; Usami sensei who was waiting when the doors slide open. There were no words as one of the greatest writers in Japan snatched Ritsu's arm from Yokozawa and pulled him the rest of the way to the Emerald department.

I tried keeping up with the fast pace the world seemed to be going.  
>When I caught up to them, I was dizzy and trying to keep Ritsu in my sight.<p>

As for Ritsu….he was tackled, his chest being hugged and whimpered on by a twenty year old boy who I am guessing is the Misaki, Ritsu and Yokozawa was talking about in the bookstore. He was holding Ritsu so tightly, both his hands were pallid white. Not Ivory but pallid.

Misaki was a completely, ruined mess of tears; behind him stood the great writer Usami sama, watching them with a stiff posture. Seeming as if someone would be fighting him any second now and he was poised and ready.

"Ritsu niiii s-san…" The kid sobbed, his lanky arms reaching up and clutching Ritsu's pale and confused face. Grass green eyes met dark pine forest green eyes questioning.

"Misaki...what happened?" He asked gently. He was just as stiffed as Usami sama but as gentle as a mother cat, ready to comfort her beloved kitten. "Why did you ask for me Misaki?"

The shouting received shocked us all.

"It's so unfair! Why didn't you tell me?! Why?! You just took everything, gave so much, and kept everything bottled when I yelled and hit! How come you never told me the truth? Why didn't you yell back at me and defend yourself?! WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME, TO ALL OF US!" helplessly he clung to the villain of the Emerald department. His sobs heard throughout the entire fifth level and drawing in attention to himself and Ritsu.

Ritsu was put off by the eyes landing on him.  
>Most filled with sicken disgust,<br>Minority just curious.

As for the emerald department, rage and utter hatred shot at the amber brunet holding Misaki. I paid no heed to Hatori who looked at me with unease eyes. My eyes were sorely focused on the red faced Ritsu who looked in so much pain.

He looked towards Usami sama.  
>Said author looked back.<br>Understanding.

"You…" He began, letting go of Misaki and walking towards the author. Ritsu didn't make it far though; Hatori's boss, dressed in all black from shoes to glasses cut Ritsu off from making it to the author. Ritsu was visibly shaken seeing his ex-boss (who I am confirming was his first love) but he steeled himself and narrowed his eyes. He looked smug and angry but deep down in those milky grass for eyes, I saw hurt, pain, but most of all, I saw deep rooted fondness for the man I am guessing he did wrong.

"Onodera" The words were curt and forced into being civilized. "Wanna explain to me why my newbie is crying his heart out to you." It was a demand. He was demanding, not asking, for Ritsu explain what nobody else knows.

Well maybe some people knew.

"Takano san." Ritsu's voice was as curt and bitter as Takano's, only...there was no real bite. How could no one but me see that?! How blind are all of you!? "How the hell should I know what Takahashi san is crying for me for? Maybe you were being an asshole to him and he finally broke? It happened before; I have no doubt it could have happened again this time."

***Wack!***

I flinched at the terrible sound as my eyes watched horrified as splatter of blood landed on my face. It would have been gross if I had paid attention to the blood but my mind remained focused on what had happened.

Takano san didn't hit Ritsu.  
>He did not lift a finger.<br>He didn't have to…

Kisa san did it for Takano san and he did it with a smirk on his face and a glare that put hate to shame. The man didn't even go softly, hence the blood on my face. Kisa picked up a spinning chair and threw it hard at Ritsu, sending Ritsu flying into the wall.

The chair hit Ritsu dead center in the chest.  
>Blood sputter out of his pale pinks lips.<p>

Everyone was stuck at a standstill; I was disgusted at all the smirks I saw throughout this floor until a deep, shocked voice shouted Ritsu's name along with a little girl's scared voice. "Rit-nii!" A child with blond hair and shocking green eyes like Ritsu's ran up to Ritsu as fast as her tiny legs could go. Ritsu was...well I could not see how he was faring. His hair hid his eyes as he was slumped over himself. His pale hands was clutching his chest and his breathing came out forcefully.

I was beginning to worry but my body refused to move. A tall blond man that replicated a prince did what my body refused to do. He ran to Ritsu's labored breathing body and lifted his head. Honey liquid eyes widen at the blood dripping from Ritsu's mouth and we saw the pain etched on Ritsu's face.

"H-hurts…" he coughed out.

And that broke the standstill.  
>A scream broke out and with it...chaos.<p>

Usami sama and others, including that Misaki released their own shouts and claws against the emerald department and others who laughed at what happened. The ones who hate Ritsu yelled back, telling us how Ritsu deserved it and had it coming for two years. It was madness.

It was an inferno.  
>It was hell.<p>

Then the loudest voices of voices brought pregnant silence once more.

"SHUT UP!" It was the prince like guy. He was holding Ritsu in his arms bridal style while aiming a glare at everyone one of us as the little girl by his side had tears in her eyes. "I saw everything Kisa san." He said aiming that fierce glare at the dark-haired chibi. "I don't care who started what or why this senseless fight started anyways. All I care about is that you threw that chair at Ritsu purposely and hit him in the chest. Best be sure it does not harm him anymore than he already is." With that, he carried Ritsu out along with the tiny girl.

Usami sama, Misaki, even Yokozawa followed the trio out to help ease Ritsu's pain. I wanted to go with them. I wanted to make sure Ritsu was going to be ok too, but I had something to say. I needed to stop this madness, this utter misguided hatred.

I do not believe Ritsu is evil.  
>He is not a villain.<p>

I believe this and even though it is not my place, these grotesquely ignorant people need to see that as well. Hatori came up to me. He tried reaching out a steady hand to ruffle my hair or cup my face….I lashed out at his indifference at what had transpired. I lashed out at his uncaring nature towards a person who was once his friend. His uncaring towards me.

I lashed out at Hatori for myself as well.  
>For him hurting then leaving me.<p>

The indifferent bastard.

"Don't touch me!" I slapped that bigoted hand, preventing it from touching me. My body shook with rage that could not be appeased. So I had to yell, had to speak the truth that Ritsu refused to speak. I broke our agreement. I broke it...and I was glad I did. "You are bitter, ignorant fools that have no idea about anything that involves Ritsu. You have no idea…" No idea of what he hides from our world.

"Chiaki wha-?"

"Shut up HATORI!" Getting my bag, I took out the tapes and threw them at him. "You all have no right to judge Ritsu when you all are as evil! Ritsu is a beautiful person for a villain...such a beautiful person. You don't believe me?" I glared hard. A glare I never knew I was capable of. Everyone that saw my glare flinched. "Listen to the tapes. We're not done recording everything but take a peek at the life he had to live for once and then come to me to judge him."

Satisfied with my bold words, I left.  
>I went home and cried into my pillow.<p>

I cried at the madness, the evil that resides in people but most of all I cried for my friend who I broke a huge promise to...and would have to lie to from now on.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, I made almost all of these characters douche bags! <strong>

**I would tell you what happens next but...you just have to wait to find out! XD**

**Lucky for you guys, it's not gonna be a long wait since this is the last week of my school before winter vacation *jumps for joy and giggles* so between making random videos (I want to study digital fim for college) I will be typing the rest of the next chapter on google and hopefully post sometime soon. **

**Hope to hear from you guys and in case I don't post over winter break, Merry Christmas and happy new years! Have a safe and joyous one! **


	8. Innocence

**:D**

**Thank you;**

**Levinya: LMAO Your review made me snort XD But to explain everything~ Anybody can lift a a swirling chair and throw it (unless there are some who can't then IDK but I'm positive everybody can) And Ritsu knows Misaki because of Usagi san. It will be explained later on so no worries as always. As for why no one called an ambulance is because I feel I put too much of ambulances in my stories so in this one I didn't feel like writing out that scene. Also because many people were douche bags and enjoyed seeing Ritsu hurt *places band aid on Ritsu's boo boo* so I thought it was appropriate. I need to get my glasses updated too because my eye sight is getting worse NOOOOOOOO! And Yeah...I sort of tied Yokozawa being somewhat friends with Ritsu but that's for a reason that will come later on. Ritsu be having connections girl ;) which I will write out in later chapters :P IDK, people think I'm an asshole because I'm too playful when they aren't and I speak my mind most of the time in class. Also because I turned the Great Gatsby in a yaoi between Gatsby and nick. I drew a picture and one of the kids in my class found it and showed it around. The majority of my english class is girls so lots of them were appalled by me. *looks to the side* It wasn't even that bad of a picture...you would think they would swoon over Gatsby and Nick getting married while Daisy got kicked out of the picture by a chibi.  
><strong>

**WARNING: Angst in this chapter and some twisted stuff. Don't wanna read this chapter then please leave and wait until I post chapter nine. I will not tolerate reviews that give no feedback and only bashes. Simple as that. Thank you and as always;**

**ENJOY~**

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><p><em>I hate it when people snicker when I ask them something meaningful. That is one of my biggest irks when I ask a question to someone and they snicker at me. Snickering, to me, shows that a person is lying and is only playing around with me. That they made me believe their lies to give them what they wanted...that they enjoy seeing me break. I hate that.<em>

_My father was snickering, personified.  
><em>_He loved snickering at the broken and the helpless._

_You are probably wondering why I am speaking about my father when I left off on my first love right? Well I have no idea how to tell this part of my story without my father in it. That man was what tore my love apart._

_Saga Masamune...He was a senior I met him during my freshmen orientation. It was on the tour, when the adults were showing us around the school. They took the freshmen to the library to check out some of the books we would need for our classes. It was between the isles when I met the boy that unknowingly stole my heart...when I had one. I was reaching for a book I needed for calculus but because I was short, I couldn't get it. My fingers could not reach. I jumped to see if I can grab it but it resulted in me losing my balance and falling back on someone. When I turned to apologize, it was Saga._

_He didn't speak to me, he was never one to talk back then really...he reached up for the book and pulled it out then handed it to me. I don't know why I fell in love with him for that one act, Perhaps it was because I only known two people who treated me kindly while the rest was always breaking me down. Or perhaps it was because when I looked in those amber fiery eyes, I saw the bleak emptiness I felt on the inside and thought "Ah...I'm not alone."_

_I can't explain what I felt. I guess it was some divine entity that pulled me towards Saga senpai. He became my addiction; something I had to see everyday. I tried staying away, tried to keep my distance because I had duties to my family, expectations to uphold. I couldn't though...I couldn't keep my distance from that boy, in one day he became my world._

_He was a comfort to me, letting me know I was not the only one empty on the inside, deprived of any kind of love and caste out from ever finding a home of my own. I...well this is embarrassing but I became a stalker which is why I would always spend my time in the library...because he was there. I use to hide between the isles, watching him as he sat at a table by the window. I use to memorize how his hair covered his eyes whenever he fell asleep or how his sharp eyes took in the words on the books he read with such concentration; like he was visiting the worlds in the book to stay away from the reality of our world._

_It made me want to visit the worlds too.  
><em>_To join him in the adventures he always got lost in._

_So I began reading all the books he read. It was a small thing but it made me feel closer to the thing I knew would never belong to me. I knew I couldn't have him but I did not want to stop and let him go...I did not want to give up the one thing that made me feel at peace...I couldn't._

_When I came back to school a month after my "attack" from the therapist, I met Saga senpai face to face for the first time since the orientation. I didn't mean to meet him face to face. I was only meant to be a shadowed ignored, an unknown face. But there we were, standing in front of each other with our hands touching because we reached for the same book at the same time._

_He wouldn't have paid much attention to me if I hadn't called him by hi name and then idiotically confessed my love to him. It just came out; my feelings for him. It was like a cup that was half full, filling up all the way finally until it overflowed. I remembering the fear I felt being out of control of my emotions. I tried covering my mistake up with some sort of lie until he brought his hand down on my head and ruffled my hair._

_Warmth blossomed from that simple touch and I had no clue how to get rid of it. I was getting too close because of that confession. I needed to leave, I was going to leave until those words left Saga's mouth. "Do you want to out with me?"_

_Yes...I did but he he didn't mean those words when he spoke them._

_I saw it in his blank eyes.  
><em>_I saw myself._

_He wanted to hurt me. Hurt someone like he was hurting and I knew that because I too felt the same way. I wanted to break someone so badly and drag them into the depths of despair with me so I would no longer feel alone. But I didn't want to be the one to get hurt; to be even more broken and dragged under the tide of depression. I was already chest deep…and destroying Saga first was the last thing I wanted._

_I ran away from him.  
><em>_Left him in the library with his hand holding air._

_I couldn't breath.  
><em>_My chest was beating so badly to the point that it was hurting._

_I ran to the home I hated, passed the disgusting people who could have cared less about me if they weren't being paid. I ignored my unloving parents and ran passed them to my cage of a room; to the only constant in my life; my books. I didn't go to the library for a while after that fiasco. Instead my father made me come home early and join him in his work. He would take me with him to the company, to learn the ropes so that I can be prepared when I take up the company from him._

_I thought my not so childhood years were bad but my time spent with my father in that company...well, it made my childhood seem like a sweet fairy tale. I believed I knew what it felt like to lose your inner child innocence and all your nievity...I was very wrong back then._

_I would never forgive that man for what he did to me.  
><em>_How he twisted me, made me feel less than I was._

_How he made me feel like his red headed secretary felt when he made us follow him along like some worthless puppies wanting attention from their master...how he would whisper in our ears and force me to watch him and his secretary cum together. When he forced me in that hidden room he had made behind the wall his desk was at...he would tell me things...about what my grandfather would put him through...how he was never loved either...I didn't want to hear those words._

_There was this one time….I just needed to ask my father, needed to know why he did those things to his secretary...why he did t-things...to...me. I asked him; "Do you even love us father? Love that red headed whore of yours? Do you even love mom? Why are you doing this? WHY?!"_

_You want to know his answer.  
><em>_Want to know what his response was when I finally snapped._

_He sniggered._

_My father was not a kind man, despite what that secretary thought. My father was not a noble man, despite what his workers believed. My father was not a saint, despite what the world knew. My father was sniggering personified. The mocking laugh people hear when they've been broken and ripped from their innocence. He was the nightmare I could not escape who made me feel like his secretary in that hidden room in the wall behind his desk. The difference between me and that secretary however, is she gave her body willingly to my father._

_I did not._

_Saga Masamune…he was not my first.  
><em>_He was never my first…  
><em>_But I wish he were my first time._

_The world taught me so much in such little time in freshmen year. The fleeting innocence I lost because of the man who was supposed to be a protective parent made me open my eyes to the darkness that lurks in everybody hearts. I saw how it consumed a person and how I allowed it to consume me. I did not want to be consume. I feared becoming my father and my mother, that secretary and the bullies. I feared that darkness looking back at me,singing siren songs to lure me in its depths._

_I went back to the library after that hell, determined to forget what my father did to me, forget his snicker and his disgusting, stomach churning touches. I saw Saga senpai there too, reading as always and looking at peace with his life…_

_I did not bother with him that day.  
><em>_I felt low and unworthy of speaking with him again._

_But that didn't stop me from following him when he left. He did not notice me following him throughout town. It sounds creepy I know but I wanted to keep crushing on him from afar, to keep stability in my pathetic excuse for a life. It was raining hard that day. People ran here and there to keep from getting soaked; everyone except Saga senpai…._

_He didn't run from the rain but walked at a luxury and then he stopped. There was a box by an alley where he stopped at. For a moment I feared that he noticed me stalking him and he would get angry, but he did not. In the box there were kittens. Most of the babies were dead except one. Saga senpai picked that little live one up and my heart almost beat out of my chest when he cradled the small creature in his arms._

_He looked lonely no more when he found that kitten.  
><em>_There was the emotion of being understood in his eyes. _

_I was glad he found someone that he could connect to…  
><em>_I also found myself being jealous of that cat for giving Saga senpai that connection._

_Back at home that night, I knew I did not want to remain a stalker. I wanted to be something more to Saga senpai, someone loving towards him. I wanted his heart so much that it outweighed the knowledge biting into the back of my head that he wanted to hurt someone her thought was innocent._

_Someone smaller than him._

_The child me just wanted to matter to someone.._

_It took a lot for me to build up the courage to ask him if he was serious when he said those words about dating him. I knew it wasn't but due to a coincidence meeting at some fast food place that one of the few friends I had wanted me to meet him, I found myself eating with my crush. My friend ditched me that day so I was left on my own when I ran into Saga senpai. I never been at a fast food place before, my mother hated fast food, so I was overwhelmed when the cashier asked so many questions about my order._

_I was holding up the line and finally someone decided to help me so I could leave already. That person was my crush. In the end we ended up sitting at a table together and conversing. Well...I had to start the conversation. It was hard at first but it became easy when we got to the subject of books. Saga senpai opened up when we talked about books. He told me everything he liked about the stories he read, how the writer's emotions could be seen throughout their works._

_Books were annoying to me; I heard/read enough of them everyday but just seeing my first love's bright and happy eyes when he talked about books, it made me want him to talk more about those damn things if it meant he would look happy. I stomached it for him. Just for him._

_That was the start.  
><em>_I became his friend._

_He didn't have a good life as I expected but that is his story to tell, not mine. One time his anger showed. I wanted to give him the new book from Usami sensei that came out the day before. I knew he loved reading Usami sensei's work but he was in a bad mood._

_He called me disgusting for loving him.  
><em>_He asked me why the hell did I love him._

_I saw the resentment, the confusion...I saw his pain and hate when he lashed out on me. It hurt...to be called disgusting and sick because I loved him. It was like putting acid on my heart. Emotions...sadness and anger for him hating me, I ran home. I did not want to go to school anymore. I wanted to go back to being tutored but it was useless. Giving up the progress of being close to my crush was not an option for me. I didn't care if we were friends or even just book buddies._

_I wanted to be something to him._

_It was going to rain again that day and I couldn't remember if Saga senpai had brought an umbrella with him or not. for a single second I had the mind to let him walk in the rain and get soaked. Pushing that anger down with a sigh, I took an extra umbrella with me and ran back to the school. It was good too because I made it in time before Saga senpai walked out._

_I bowed and apologized for always stalking him and to answer his question about why I loved him...I told him it would take three days for me to answer him. It was true. There was so much I learned about him and so much I loved about him; good and bad. Answering his question would literally take forever to answer; nearly impossible to answer._

_We didn't say anything more. The pain in my chest from earlier did not leave. It was like a mild burn on my heart; stinging and irritating but not too bad that I had to be worry or so I believed at the time. I waited with the umbrella squeezed tight in my fist, wanting the silence between me and my crush to end. I nearly slumped in relief when he told me to hand over the umbrella. We walked outside together in silence that I could bare._

_The pain in my chest became stronger though and was beginning to feel feeling was bugging me but before I could lift my hand to place it on my chest, the most unexpected thing happened;_

_Saga senpai took my hand and held it in his._

_Shocked out of my mind, the pain in my chest was jolted to the back of my mind as a blush inflamed my face. The move shocked me so much that I stuttered a goodbye and ran away once more. That move that was filled with kindness shocked me to my bone. I wasn't use to people holding my hand; that was foreign to a person like me. It also scared me….I did not want to be touched by anyone after what my father did._

_I didn't know how to react.  
><em>_How to push back my fears._

_When I got home for the second time that day, the fiery pain in my chest made itself known again. That time though, it was more than a slight bother. My heart was beating too fast and irregular. Air wouldn't go to my lungs, making them burn like acid was thrown on them and my body became cold. Much too cold and shaky. I ended up having a seizure. _

_The doctor was called by one of the maids that found me passed out, not breathing, and I was taken to the hospital. I was dead for a few moments on the way to hospital; my heart stopped but the paramedics got it beating again. Things were blurry and all jumbled during the whole ordeal. I know they did tests on me because when I woke up, the pain was gone and the doctor I had, had the results from the tests._

_That was when I was told about my heart._

_It turned out that I had...have chronic heart failure meaning that from when I was diagnosed to now, my heart would get worse and worse until….well you get the point. It's not really a pleasant thing; waking up and being told that I am dying each day. My perspective on life began changing after that._

_I no longer saw the world the same way. For me, the world sped up and I was the one struggling to catch up with it._

_The doctor at that time recommended that I go overseas to England to get better medical treatment, which my parents were all for. I did not want to go so a fight broke out; the first fight I had with my parents in fact, that I actually somewhat won. They backed down from sending me overboard for the time being and I was given medication so I wouldn't have another spasm episode._

_I spent more time with Sasa senpai since then. We went everywhere with each other, talked a lot. It was lovely and took my mind off the knowledge that I may not live to my adulthood or what life over the hill would be for me. They say heaven is not one big place but many places connected together. That we all have our own little heaven when we pass on and I hope that, that was true._

_And that I would go to heaven when I did croak over._

_For the time being, I spent my days away from my home and with my beloved.  
><em>_What more...my crush began to like me back._

_Before I even understood anything that transpired between us or what changed in him, he invited me to his house. That's an deadly embarrassing day for me...I was stiff, rigid from my spine from nerves. I never been to anybody's house before especially not a crushes house. His parents weren't there when we arrived._

_The house seemed hollowed out.  
><em>_Bare…._

_We went in his room and he got us drinks. My mind was reeling from the books that laid everywhere and covered every inch of his room. Stacks of books at that. It kind of made me uneasy but I also admired him for loving something with a pure passion. Unlike myself since I always had to cover or hide my books from sight before I went to sleep. I smelled his pillow when he was getting the drinks. Yeah, I know I was a creep. I'm ashamed…._

_We ended up watching a movie and only got through the beginning when Saga asked me again why I was in love with him. He pointed out that I knew nothing about him to which I replied I knew some things about him, like the cat he picked up and took in that he was eating downstairs as we talked._

_We ended up making out...and more. I can't remember how exactly it happened but I let him do what he wanted because...well...I wanted him. I believe I told you this before Chiaki but I will say it again. I am a very possessive person with my things. When I get something, it's hard for me to let go and I wanted Saga. I wanted his affection, his being, and his love._

_Nothing stopped me from gaining that when Saga took me. Not my heart condition, not the thought that I would be shaming my damn parents, and definitely not the memories of my father when he tied me down and shredded my innocence. I was scared with saga. He knew nothing about me and I wanted it to stay that way. I felt happy with him._

_Only him._

_Nothing changed after that, only that we did it a lot. I thought it would be enough, to have him physically by my side but I wanted more. Like a selfish person I grew tired of what I already had...I wanted his heart...to know that I meant something to him and it wasn't just me blinding myself._

_So I asked him one day after we had sex at his house as usually._

_I asked "What are we senpai? A-are we lovers?"_

_This was his answer to me;  
><em>_A snigger._

_He sniggered at me...like my father sniggerd at me...that god awful mockingly snigger. It rang in my ears and sent ice daggers through my heart. I felt nothing after that. Only coldness. It seeped in my bones and would not go away. I couldn't feel warmth anymore in my chest._

_I felt frozen…_

_Frozen from the inside as I quickly kicked Saga outside his head and ran out that house disheveled. Those sniggers could not be banished from my mind. I was naive I realized. Naive again to the obvious, only I could not block out the humiliation this time. The touches I could still felt made my skin prick with nausea and my heart was stressing itself out once again._

_I had an attack in the street._

_Some elder couple and their children found me and took me to the hospital. I would not let anybody touch me until the doctors knocked me out. When I woke up again, my parents were humiliated by me. Well, my mother was when she found out I was sexually involved with a male. My father only hated that Saga was a "Commoner" he did not care that I was gay. It didn't surprise me since he was a pedophile anyways._

_The topic of sending me away for treatment came up once more and that time, I did not refuse. There was nothing for me here in Tokyo but heartache and pain; years of being degraded and pushed to my limit. I had, had enough. No more...no more._

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><p>"He could be telling lies." Kisa put in when the emerald department finished listening to the tapes. They came over to my house to listen since none of them had a tape player. (I feel so old now) They brought drinks and Hatori made some snacks in my kitchen. The bastard still acted like he never raped me.<p>

So why am I not angry with his presence anymore?

I think all that pain and anger drained out of me when I yelled out my lungs at the team. I can't feel anything anymore. Only anger for Ritsu. How could someone who went through so much still remain being treated like shit?

I glared at Kisa.  
>How dare he say that Ritsu could be lying.<p>

He's only trying to justify his actions.  
>Make himself feel better.<p>

"Is there any more tapes?" Takano asked from the back of us. The loner sitting alone on the floor. He acted every way Ritsu described and more. Those brown eyes were haunted but covered with liquid iron; cold and angered. What was I hoping for? For this man to open his eyes with disbelief and weep for a person he loved. For what Ritsu did to him might be overlooked and Ritsu would no longer have to bear the burden of guilt?

I am such an idiot.

Shaking my head, I gritted out the words glaring. "No. This was the new tape. Ritsu was drugged beyond a stoner in the hospital when I asked for the next part. That's why his voice is slurred." Which means he wasn't in his right mind to even tell a teeny white lie. Stupid Kisa san.

Sick satisfaction coiled in my belly as I watch each and every one of these hypocrites face's take on a somber look. Kisa looked ashamed with the audacity to seem in pain. Good.

I want them to hurt.  
>To feel the burning acid of guilt burn their throats.<p>

Is it sick of me to wish for their hearts to bleed?  
>To shatter and break.<p>

Am I so wrong for wanting that?

My eyes widen when Takano stood up and made his way to the door. He put on his shoes and grabbed his coat before turning to us. "Let's go to the hospital." He didn't wait for anyone to follow; opening the door, he walked out. This isn't good I realized.

Ritsu will know now that I betrayed him.  
>That I broke our agreement.<p> 


	9. Shuichi Shindou

**Thank you;**

**Levinya: As always; thank you for your review. Lol I like the way you think *giggles* My glasses need to be checked; that or I'm going blind TT^TT I hope that isn't the case. Man it took forever for me to write this chapter! Not because it's long (it ain't that long) but because I kept getting distracted! I'm ashamed! I get distracted easily which is why I usually hide away when I am writing but I couldn't this time because of the holidays. it was fun by the way! Kisa lies because he's in denial like the rest. I got so much cool stuff this Christmas! Ah! I hope you like this chapter; I need to find a way for Yukina to find all this stuff out. I just realized he doesn't know a single thing of this about Ritsu! I'm ashamed!  
><strong>

**SphynxOfRiddles: lol Thank you! And yeah I got tired of most stories lately. It just...well everyone uses the same plots in the same way and it's not at all entertaining anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are awesome writers and can use the same materials in many ways that blows my mind but lately I haven't been seeing anything and others...well they do their best and I respect them for that but I too feel they lean towards more the mushier side of things than going in depth with the dark side of point of views. Maybe it's just me; I don't know. As for the end of the last chapter; yes I did make it sort of like a poem. I like poem like stories, especially ones from Ellen Hopkins so I sort of developed a writing style that goes like a paragraphs then poem like. ^/_/^ **

**blackslayer: Thank you so much! I hope this chapter doesn't displeases (tho I could have done better -_- Oh well I hope it's still enjoyable to you and everyone else. I think it is a bit.) **

**WARNING: Angst in this chapter and some twisted stuff. Don't wanna read this chapter then please leave and wait until I post chapter nine. I will not tolerate reviews that give no feedback and only bashes. Simple as that. Thank you and as always;**

**ENJOY~**

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><p>I am an idiot!<p>

I should have never let my emotions take over my logic then I would have never betrayed Ritsu in the worst way possible. He spilled his life to me and also was kind and caring towards me and in return I gave his secrets to the vultures that despises him!

I feel so low now as I try with my weak might to push the stubborn group back. We made it to the hospital. I had to run to catch up to Takano san and now I'm trying to push him by his chest back from making the last corner of hall to Ritsu's room. 209. Dear god; I am sorry I betrayed a friend and lost my temper but I will really appreciate it if you help me stop these stubborn cows from raiding my friend's peace and telling him that I gave them his story!

If you can do that I will start going to church!

Not even a second later we heard a door bang open and a voice yelling from the top of his lungs. That was Ritsu's voice!

"I am not staying another damn second in this hellhole so fuck off!" It's weird hearing him swear. I know he does but it still surprises me when he swears and also when he yells. It's unnatural.

With success I pushed the group back.  
>Looks like I'm going to church this coming Sunday.<p>

Thank you so much big guy up there!  
>You are the man.<p>

It sounded like Ritsu was arguing with someone; two people.

"Mr. Onodera; you have to get back and rest. Your heart took a very serious injury and this can shorten your life if we are not careful." Peeking out the corner, I saw a doctor trying to convince Ritsu to remain in the hospital. By him stood Usami sama.

Standing with nothing but the hospital pajamas on, Ritsu shook his head. He was disheveled and looked scared and savage. His eyes were wide with anger and fear, dark with malice promises if anyone dared to touch him. He reminded me of a wild pup in a sort of way.

"My life is already shortened." My body shivered at those cold words. "And I don't want anyone in this place touching me unless it is my cousin's husband. I will tell you again; fuck off and leave me alone. Akihiko, take me out of here."

"Got it." Usami sama took Ritsu's arm in his and helped lead him out the hospital. Ritsu Winced with each step, a hand placed upon his chest, but he refused to stop or complain about anything. The group and I watched secretly as the great writer took off his light coat and gave it to the petite editor so the pale man would not freeze in the slightly chilly, spring weather.

Back in the hospital the doctor cursed. "Damn bitch. He was easier to touch when he was drugged and uncomprehending." My blood froze.

What exactly...did he mean...by...that?

No.  
>I'm looking too much into those words.<br>It could mean nothing!

Pushing away the uneasiness, I sigh relieved and was heading to turn back and walk away when I bumped into someone. It wasn't Kisa or any of the emerald department. This guy was short and had sunglasses and a "I love Tokyo" cap on.

"I'm so sorry sir!" He looked up at me then gaped. Was there something on my face? "You're Chiaki right!"

I jerked back.  
>How does he know me?<p>

Uncertain I nodded a little. "Yes I am and...um...who are you?"

"I knew it! Ritsu talked to me about you. You're the guy writing a story off of his life right?" This man knows Ritsu! "You look just how he described you except you're much more shy looking to me. My name is Shuichi Shindou by the way." He whispered his name to me and cut me off before I could freak out and make a scene. "Yes that Shuichi" He took off the sunglasses to reveal violet eyes.

How the heck does Ritsu know the famous Bad Luck singer?!

Looking down at his hands, I could not help but notice fully lush forget me nots and white roses in his hand. "Are you visiting someone here?" I pointed at the flowers, ignoring the group staring at the pop singer in wonder.

Nodding vigorously, the singer held the flowers up with pride. "Yup! I heard Ritsu was admitted here and I thought I'll pay my friend a visit because I know he hates hospitals. I don't blame him, not after what we went through in England."

Ba-bump!

The topic of sending me away for treatment came up once more and that time, I did not refuse. There was nothing for me here in Tokyo but heartache and pain; years of being degraded and pushed to my limit. I had, had enough. No more...no more.

"He went to England when he left?" I questioned out loud unknowingly. I blushed when Shindou san gasped and covered his mouth.

"He didn't tell you that part? My bad…was he going to tell you?" I did not understand what he was talking about but he made it seem like Ritsu was going to keep this secret to himself.

"He left off at when he was sent away for treatment…he never talked about what happened afterwards." Shindou san sighed.

"Then I shouldn't have said anything. Knowing the kid, he probably was going to keep that part bottled."

"Keep what bottled? What happened in England, can you tell me." Eager to know I clutch my bag with my tapes and recorder praying once again for some miracle to happen. "May I hear the story of how you two met from you?"

Hesitantly, the singer backed away from me (though I believe it's because of all the intense glares from the emerald crew behind me.) "I'm not sure if Ritsu would like me telling people about what happened…" damn. "But...ok."

I did not even question why he agreed.  
>I was just happy I was going to know the next chapter.<p>

We went somewhere quiet and secluded (that includes Hatori and them being with us too) It was a private room in a restaurant that we sat. It was so quiet as I took out my recorder and fed it a new tape before pressing the button and placing it in the center, facing the pop singer.

"Please state your name, age, occupation and relation to Onodera Ritsu then begin your story."

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><p><em> <span>My name is Shindou Shuichi.<br>__I am thirty one years old, a singer and Ritsu's close friend. _

_I was 19 when I went to England; I was admitted to a hospital there that specializes in heart treatments. I didn't have the same condition that Ritsu has. What I had could be taken care with surgery and rest but it would take some major time for me to recover afterwards , however, that's not what we came to talk about huh. _

_My bad~_

_Let's see….there's not much to say about the hospital except that it was a torture chamber; a little house of horrors on the inside when the visitors left and darkness set in. The people that ran that place were lunatics; devils in sheep's clothing that knew how to charm the media and the rulers of the world. That's how most of the wealthiest and well known people or connected to them got stuck in that hell hole. _

_People already knows my story so I won't bother with how I ended up in that hospital. What I will get into would be the day Ritsu was admitted. I was stuck in bed after more tests were done to me. My lover and his brother in law were with me so I knew I was safe. It was in the afternoon yet outside drizzling nighttime. _

_It was always drizzling.  
><span>__I wished the sun would peek out once in a while._

_Yuki, that's my lover's name, brought me pocky and I was devouring it when my doctor at the time (I hated his guts) walked in, rolling in Ritsu. I always remember that moment every time me and Ritsu meet up. I remember a unresponsive, short and pale doll-like kid being rolled in then placed on the bed in front of mine. I didn't even think he was alive until Tohma went over to him and greeted the kid. _

_The kid nodded back.  
><span>__Tohma knew him because he met his parents._

_Through out the days since he came, I tried befriending him, starting conversations but he never responded back. It was worrisome. He would not respond to anybody or anything, would not eat (he had to be forced fed) or trying getting better. He just...slept. Slept and waited for his condition to worsen. It worried me that such a young boy with a bright future could not care about his life. That he was throwing it away. _

_His skin was too pale and bags were under his eyes. Sunken cheeks, he wasn't just skin and bones; his bones were starting to waste away. One day I couldn't take it anymore. Watching him destroy his body slowly and none of the staff or doctors were doing anything to get him to care, to live._

_So I snapped.  
><span>__I got up from my bed and walked over to his._

_He didn't look away from me when I got in his face….he did not look at me either. He simply looked ahead, through me as I questioned and yelled at him. "You have a bright future; a chance to get out of here! Don't you want that kid? Aren't you scared of dying? Scared of this hell?" _

_Ritsu….Ritsu did not care.  
><span>__He shrugged at me, finally looking at me._

_And he said "No...I don't care. I am not afraid of death. Death would be my heaven since I'm already living through hell." _

_That scared me the most about Ritsu. He….didn't care about the things that happened to him. He was a child that lost all hope, died inside, and was beginning to give up on his sanity as well as his health. And I cried for him when I realized that….I cried and did the only thing I knew how to cheer people up. _

_I sang songs to the lonely child that shared a hospital room with me. _

_He refused to listen at first, even screamed at me to shut up and leave him alone but I did no such thing. At night I use to sneak on his bed and drag him to lay by me. I would hug him tightly, ruffle his hair, and sing loving music in his ear. I would sing my favorite songs that always cheered me up when I was down; songs that my mother use to sing to me as a child and once in a while I would just talk to him about some of my favorite cartoon shows or TV shows and make the funny voices for him. _

_He got use to it, to me, and began opening up. He would sing quietly along with me and act out some of the shows. It would have made me happy...if he didn't let the doctor touch him still. The doctor, we never called him by name and still don't call him by name, was a monster. He enjoyed fresh meat and when Ritsu arrived at the hospital, he payed special attention to him. _

_I was forced to watch the torture Ritsu had to endure. _

_It scared me.  
><span>__Ritsu never fought._

_He never screamed or cried out when the damn doctor forced his body in different positions or when his limbs were broken just to make the guy laugh. He refused to give that satisfaction of seeing him break to the guy. I think….somewhere inside his heart...Ritsu believed he deserved the pain that the doctor inflicted on him. I think it must have been something that had to do with Ritsu's parents. The doctor use to taunt him as he experimented on Ritsu. He would tell Ritsu before breaking something...that his parents knew what he was and sent Ritsu willingly to be punished for being an abomination. _

_Doctor's words, not mine._

_That was a sore spot for the teen.  
><span>__Eventually...he agreed with the doctor too._

_The only thing that kept Ritsu from breaking down was our time together singing and acting. Pretending life was a bright and happy place and we weren't forced to keep everything done to us to ourselves. I couldn't tell Tohma or Yuki what was being done to us; the monsters would have killed them and they could have and gotten away with it. So I endured for them but Ritsu, he was another story. _

_I saw that he had no one.  
><span>__Nobody._

_Nobody, not a family or friend came to visit him while we were in that place unlike me who I had my lover and best friend visit me constantly. It made it easier for the doctor to go all out with his torture because nobody visited Ritsu. One night, it got so bad. The doctor broke Ritsu's jaw. _

_He wanted Ritsu to scream.  
><span>__Make some type of noise._

_He wanted Ritsu to break.  
><span>__Rip away his last shred of humanity._

_Ritsu did no such thing. Quite the opposite; he laughed at the man's face and licked the blood from his chin. I-it's not a pleasant thing I wish to remember….Ritsu lost it at that time. He wasn't just keeping silent because he didn't want the man to win. I learned that he was keeping silent because he did want to be hurt. He wanted to be bruised, to be scared on the outside._

_So he could forget the pain on the inside he told me._

_Three years…  
><span>__Three years passed like that._

_I couldn't reach him anymore...I-I could not reach his sanity no more. forgive me for crying but-but haaah….he lost everything that made him a child….his soul, his will, his love, and also his mind. Pain didn't affect him. Not anymore and it pissed our doctor off...so the doc turned to me. I don't like pain or blood or having my bones twisted in unnatural ways and the doctor knew I was an easy screamer. He wanted to hear screams and I was an easy target but...he made the mistake of touching me. _

_I only received a scar across my wrist. The doctor came that night as usual but instead of going to Ritsu, he walked to me. He discard my clothes and took one of those sugary knife. He took my arm and cut my wrists. He said that I was beautiful. That he loved beautiful things but not Ritsu anymore because Ritsu was boring and ugly. I couldn't stop from screaming when he cut me. _

_I was sure I was going to die that night.  
><span>__I was positive nobody would hear my screams._

_Ritsu heard me though._

_I don't know how he did it but he snuck away without getting caught in daylight and came back to the room with some instruments used for surgery. He waited until nightfall. He somehow knew that the doctor was bored of him and would come after me. When it was proven right, Ritsu….Ritsu made no sound, lighter than air he tip-toed behind the man that hurt us. I saw the gleam of the surgical saw in his bony hands. Felt the blood drip on my face when he pierced the doctor's chest. _

_I didn't look at what happened next. I only know that Ritsu killed the doctor; cut and diced his body. I heard the doctor's screams and Ritsu's unnatural chuckles. It scared me but it also made me smile. _

_The doctor would never hurt us anymore._

_With effort for Ritsu, he took me out of the hospital and other people too. He dragged us one by one as far away from the hospital. Before he went back, he gave me a cell phone he stole from the doctor to call for help. To call my lover and boss. By the time Tohma and Yuki found me and the other patients, a fire started at the hospital. _

_All patients were safe and uninjured.  
><span>__All doctors were dead or severely injured.  
><span>__And Ritsu…._

_Ritsu was found half dead covered with gasoline and blood, he was singing a soft song to go to sleep with. _

_We were taken to another hospital. One that was truthful and good. The old hospital secrets became known so no one bothered to question any of us about what happened. The cops left it as we, the patients were the victims and the doctors planned the whole fire to kill is all but it backfired because of one patient. _

_For a year Ritsu was silent. _

_My boss and lover paid for Ritsu's treatment for saving me and Tohma also got Ritsu psychological help. We found out that Ritsu developed several personality disorders. Antisocial, borderline, avoidant, and schizoid personality disorder brought on from his childhood. He was given proper help and also some medicine for his disorder. He began getting better, healing on the inside. He started talking again. He did not talk a lot to others but with me he talked as much as I wanted. Only for me. _

_I thought it was a good thing.  
><span>__I thought he was beginning to fight for his life back._

_I got the surgery I needed and healed in no time. Ritsu found a heart to replace his dying one but it didn't work out the way we planned. His body rejected the heart and many other hearts that the doctors found for him. We almost lost him during the surgeries but the doctors could do no more but give him back his heart and keep him well with pills. Ritsu didn't like it. He would tell me that after what happened, after losing his mind he didn't want to remain in the hospital. _

_I didn't want him to remain either._

_So I talked to Yuki when I was discharged and we decided to let Ritsu live with us but when we went back to get him to come with us, we were told that he ran away. _

_I didn't hear anything about or from Ritsu until two years later. I got a letter with a phone number on it thanking me for all I've done and apologizing for leaving without a word. I called him and we began talking once more. Him telling me about his life and about the people that took him in when he ran from the hospital. He told me about this little girl...Sinful is her name and how she helped him heal on the inside. He talked like he found a light in his world; almost like she was his daughter or little sister if I might say so. _

_We kept in touch by phone over the years when I moved back to Japan until he moved back as well, six years later that is. We had to meet in secret though since his family was watching him. Things are different now. He's seems more at peace with himself. I just wished it wasn't because he accepted his death. He helps me out with my music sometimes; the ones that are really popular today are the ones he written for the band. _

_All the songs he written since meeting me, he gave to me and the band; all except one._

_Painted smile._

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><p><strong>I wanted this chapter to be a bit different and also wanted it to be told by first person still since Ritsu went insane at this point in his life so he had no idea what he did until he got his sense back lol. <strong>

**Please give me your thoughts and/or if you guys have any idea how I can inform Yukina about Ritsu's past, please let me know. I will try posting as soon as I can but I won't promise anything. **

**Thank you guys for all the support and, as always; **

**Til next time~ **


	10. If I give you my heart

**Thank you;**

**Levinya: Yup. Lots of people are messed up in this story thus my imagination. Maybe I should just end it and go live under some rock in shame =_= Nah! I wouldn't be able to handle living under a rock! Anyways~ Thanks for the advice Levinya! I didn't use it but your advice did help me think of what I could do! So here it is! Ja~**

**blackslayer: Awe~ Thank you so much! I'm happy you love this story; it makes me feel good ^_^ I always liked the idea of Ritsu being the way he was for different reasons besides a break up. :3 Here's the next chapter for you and Levinya! **

**ENJOY~(O v O~) **

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><p>My head hurts. Not to the point I can't handle the pain but it is bothersome. It's like my head is pounding to the forefront of my skull, leaving a stinging ache there to pulse like a heartbeat. This is why I despise medication. They always mess with me one way or another.<p>

Akihiko drives me away from the wenched doctors and their hospital. I can't stand being in that environment. It sets my nerves on edge every time. The only doctor I trust and allow to check me over would be my cousin's giant bear of a husband. He would never do anything to me; this I know because he's honest and childish. Pure at heart.

The opposite of most people including myself.

"What are you thinking about Ritsu?" Akihiko asked without looking away from the road. He's taking me to his and Misaki's place. I can't go to Hiroki because my dear cousin will kill me. It's best to staying away so he can cool off and not go on a hunting spree. I have enough drama to deal with as it is.

"Nothing." that needs to be said to cause more drama nor bring up more of the black ink that is my past. Blurry, splotted, nothing I could remember or want to try remembering.

Kisa caught me off guard.  
>I didn't expect him to hit me with a chair.<p>

I anticipated a harsh slap as usual and for a bruised cheek for a week but looks like I pushed too far. Much too far I guess. I'm always pushing too far...its not my fault that I always have to see how far I can take something. To see how much pain I can take being inflicted on me. I deserve it. Always had. I deserve suffering before I die…

"We're here Ritsu." I nodded getting out of the car when Akihiko parked and began walking to his penthouse. I'm not nervous about going being in Akihiko's place (I've been there lots of time in the past after the whole Takano thing) but I do worry about Misaki. He was hysterical the other day and I rather not deal with children today. I don't want more tears to fall from innocent's eyes.

It makes me feel horrible when children cry.  
>I feel like my father when that happens.<p>

I don't ever want to be like my father or mother.

Inside the warmth of the penthouse I received an unpleasant surprise. "Akihiko….I hate you so much." People need to stay out of my business. I don't want more people involved in my life, looking down at me with hate or pity. I wish not to be treated like some helpless victim.

Can't these people see I'm not a victim!  
>I'm a monster.<p>

Can't they see that; see me!

Akihiko, like the prick he always is, shrugs me off and greets his guests and lover. "Yukina and his daughter were the ones that took you to the hospital Ritsu. They were very worried about you and even went to visit you yesterday. It wasn't their fault they came at such a...bad time and got caught up in your story." He tried easing the blow but I felt myself blanched by his words.

Story...did...did I- "Chiaki Yoshino came Yesterday and asked for the next part of your life story. I heard it all as well because I stayed to watch you through the night. Apparently this guy heard it all too." Jabbing at Yukina who refused to look me in the eye.

It stung.  
>Having more people know of my shame.<p>

A child no less I added as little Yasu dashed from behind her father and tackled my leg. "Ritnii!" I bit back a whimper as my heart beats painfully. Yasu acted as cute and innocent as ever around me; a happy child but her eyes told me the truth.

She was disgusted.  
>I am being judged.<p>

I am disgusting to her...of course I am.

I've always known this every waking moment I am reminded of how disgusting I am. That little fact shouldn't sting as much as it does.

Sting.  
>Disgusting.<p>

Pain.  
>Repulsing.<p>

Why?  
>Why ask what you already know?<p>

I'm disgusting, letting him do that to me. Letting him push me around and drag me into that room. I'm repulsing that afterwards I ran to Saga senpai for comfort, letting him do what he pleased with me as well. Letting him woo me into his bed...disgusting. I'm disgusting, I'm disgusting, I. Am. Disgusting!

Drowning in the depths of knowledge, I fail to realize my body pushing Yasu away and running itself to the bathroom. My chest burns and it makes me feel like throwing up but nothing comes out. I'm left heaving up air but I can't stop. In the back of my mind I know the burning isn't a good sign. My heart is beating too fast. Its overworking itself for oxygen.

As my mind continues down some dark paths I continue trying to heave the disgusting things out of my body. Damn Chiaki and making me word vomit! Damn these plaguing thoughts! Damn them all! Damn us all! Damn me!

From behind, broad arms wrap around me, pulling my form against a bigger form much stronger than mine. I flinch thinking back to my childhood and try fighting the person but they don't let me go. Whispers enter my ear and as my composer comes back I hear the words "Breath slowly Ritsu."

It is Akihiko.

Breathing slowly and calming the racing pace of my heart, I shrug the author's arms off me and take more than was necessary steps back from him. The door was shut and the others were in the dining room waiting for (I guess) us.

Sweet, blissful silence reigned down on us for some moments. How am I supposed to feel? I know the main emotion I am feeling is rage but at who? As much as I wish I can blame it all on Akihiko, on Chiaki, on the world, I can't. I should be angry at myself. I sighed.

I feel so old these days.  
>Not like a twenty seven year old.<p>

I feel as old as time surrounded by children that has no fears of what tomorrow or next week will bring. Not having to worry about if their hearts will stop in a second or during the night as they sleep causing them not to sleep. Drained and burned out I hang my head; I'm thinking too much again. I already came to terms with my coming end. My grand final and strangely, that makes me feel better than living.

When it ends...there will be no more fighting. No more worries, no more being a monster that destroys others lives. No more shame. No more nightmares or duties, just rest. I can rest in the end; rest and never have to wake up to see another daylight or raincloud again. Ah, what a wonderful thought that takes the weight of the world off my shoulders. I'm already one step in the grave, I just need to make the other step.

"Misaki made dinner." Slowly I nod at those words. "You want me to take you back to Hiroki?" Just this year...I'm free from everything afterwards. I just need to patch some things, say goodbye, and I can finally be at peace.

"It's...fine Akihiko. You went to the trouble of bringing me here, might as well stay and hide from my cousin like I planned." With practiced grace I walk out and go to where the table was at. Misaki was just finish serving the food and Yukina and Yasu were sitting already waiting for Akihiko and me.

Misaki looked at me; his eyes puffy and red. Such a shame that I'm always the one to fill people's eyes with pearly tears. Why can't I stop? "Ritsu…" I have to force myself not to flinch at the raw emotions I see through those eyes. He shows me to my seat and sits by me, trying to smile but it doesn't suit the bags under his eyes.

"Thank you for having me over." I bow a bit. "I apologize for the trouble." Smiling a bit at the teen I look down at the food he prepared. Misaki was always a great cook, if only he made a job out of it. He would have been a terrific chef I'm sure.

It's too silent.  
>One would think I would be use to the silence.<p>

But I am not.

Before the silence could drive me mad, Yasu broke the silence of this damning atmosphere. She jumped down from her seat and ran to me. Since she was smaller than kids her age, she lifted her arms to me. "I want to sit on your lap!" My eyes widen when I felt her trying to climb my leg to sit on me. "Please!"

I don't understand.

"Why little one?" I asked her softly. "Don't you want to sit on someone else's lap like you father or how about Misaki?" I'm disgusting so why is she demanding to sit on my lap. She knows my shame so...why?

"No!" I jolt when she manages to climb and get on my lap. Her hands punched my chest making me hold in the pain that it gave. "I want to sit with Rit nii! I want to sit on you because you're mine!" Well this is odd. In a tiny whisper that may have been a blow horn since everyone in the room was quiet enough to hear her, Yasu told me something that struck me. "You understand me."

Where have I heard this before?  
>Certainly not before Sinful.<p>

"What do you mean little one?" I hold her gently as she hugs my chest and lays her head on my shoulder. Her tiny form shakes as she speaks. "I know what you went through…" my heart goes cold. "My mommy's brothers were like that too. They hurt me everyday when I lived with them. Not as much as you daddy hurt you but it still hurt. I was afraid b-but then I was saved. A-a boy from down the street where we l-lived, he heard my cries one day and he got me out of the house. T-that's how I was able to be taken to my papa."

What the fuck.  
>I am going to find those pigs and slaughter them.<p>

Back to the little girl in my arms, my rage goes up so many notches as I feel her tears on my neck. Why the fuck are people so damn cruel? Does the world get a kick out seeing kids lose their innocence?

Slowly I comb my fingers through her blonde silk hair and sigh. Yukina is looking like some fish with his open mouth. Did he not know of this? Sighing again I start rocking Yasu a bit; its something I use to do to Sinful when she was little. It helped calm her down. Remembering that I pushed her earlier I gently ask "I'm sorry for pushing you. Did I hurt you little one?"

She shook her fiercely.

"You were only scared...of us knowing...b-but it's ok. It's ok Rit nii." My jaw clenches and unclenches; my eyes sting. Why is that? Because this tiny child understands...because someone understands what I went through and how much it hurt me. Because someone as innocent and pure as this child in my arms is telling a horrid demon that it's ok that I am what I am. "I wish you were my mommy."

My body stiffens.  
>My brain stops working for a second.<p>

"You shouldn't say something like that Yasu." I ease her face off me. From the corner of our eyes the others are as frozen as me. "I'm not you mother and I can't be."

"Why?" Her eyes tear up again but I wipe them away softly with my thumbs. "You and papa can be together and you can come live with us and you can be my mama. You love me and treat me like a mama treats her children so you can be my mama."

Shaking my head, I look at her eye-level. "I can't Yasu. Despite what you think. I'm not a good person. I can hardly feel anything besides shame and rage. I gave pieces of my heart to some and they threw my heart away. I have no more of my heart to give. I'm sorry but I don't."

"Y-yes you do." Yukina wasn't lying when he said his daughter was sharp. "You do have a piece left, you just afraid to give it away."

What a dilemma.

I don't want to be like my father or mother.  
>I don't want to continue hurting people.<br>Especially this little angel.

Getting up slowly, I sit Yasu down and go towards the living room where my coat is. From the pocket I take out a tiny picture from my wallet and walk back to the child watching me. I get on my knees and hold out the picture for her to see.

"This is Sinful." I start off showing Yasu the picture of a white haired, red eyed, pale child smiling. You could see her dimples and her tiny fang poking out of a cheeky smile. "She is the cousin I told you about remember. She is the last part of my heart. I can't ever see her anymore so this picture is the only thing to remember her by. If I give it to you, can you protect it for me? Can you promise to keep my heart safe and never throw it away Yasu?"

Slowly the little one takes the picture, being mindful not to damage the edges or get anything on it. Her eyes look down at Sinful with awe and a blush blossoms across her cheeks. "This is your heart?" I nod. "A-and you're giving it to me?"

"If you promise to take care of it."

"I will! I promise Rit nii! I will protect your heart and keep it forever and ever and ever!" At last, since I first woke up, I smile feeling warmth in my cold chest.

"I hope you do Yasu." Because I don't know if I can handle another let down in life.

* * *

><p><strong>Ritsu gave the last of his heart to lil Yasu *wipes tears* I know since starting this story I did nothing but make Ritsu miserable and unable to relate to anybody so here I wanted to show the extent of his mindset but also that he was wrong about being the things he believed himself as. He lost his innocence as a child, pushed to be a grown up too soon so he couldn't relate to anybody until now.<strong>

**Yasu understood because she too wasn't like the other kids. Her mother is a druggy and her relatives on her mother side were abusive to Yasu. Just so you guys know, no she didn't lose her purity like Ritsu. Her uncle molested her but they didn't take her innocence like Ritsu father did to him. She understands perfectly what Ritsu felt because for a child she is sharp and also had to grow up faster than other children her age while living with her mother side. I guess I wanted to show some redemption for Ritsu's lost childhood. To show that his childhood ended at an early age but looking at Yasu, he was looking at a alternative childhood where he got out of his hell and lived a happy childhood. **

**I thank you all for continuing this journey with me and I know that my other stories are not getting updated as much as this one is. I want to finish this one because my attention and muse is on this one. I hope that you all continue to join these characters and enjoy the story. Thanks so much to those who followed and Favorited this.**

**Til next time~ **


	11. It stops now

**Thank you;**

**Levinya: Lol I should live under a rock because if I did then I wouldn't be bothered by the world and can write forever. You're right though; living under a rock would be too much trouble and I may be socially awkward but I am in no way antisocial! I guess I did make Ritsu pretty emo...but he's still emo in the anime so does it really make such a difference? Yasu is just a ball of sunshine! I enjoy writing about her and plus in this story, everyone needs a lil ball of sunshine and flowers! **

**Kage Kurai: First and foremost! *gives panda plush* Thank you for reviewing ^_^ And hehehe I'm glad people like Yasu even though I made he a bit too smart for her own age but then again kids are very observant on things especially when they can relate to it. As for the ending...you will just have to find out XD**

**This chapter is shorter than my other ones so I apologize but I have plenty ideas for the next one. That and I am trying to stop myself from making a hetalia story...why does my brain do this to me!? Ugh! I really need someone to keep me on track with these stories! Maybe I can have a friend kick my butt in gear...meh. I'll figure something out for you guys and myself. **

**ENJOY~(TT v TT~)**

* * *

><p>My sunshine been on cloud billion since Onodera gave her that photo; the last piece of Onodera Ritsu's heart. I'm sort of jealous of my daughter for getting someone's heart but she needs it. I had no idea the abuse she had to suffer on her mother side. She never opened up to the social worker, the cops, or me. She kept silent and smiled with the things in her past burdening her small shoulders.<p>

I'm such an ass.  
>Then there is Onodera.<p>

God...that story is forever burned in my soul. Throughout the whole day I couldn't bring myself to look the tiny man in the eye. I should have never heard his story so I was afraid he would be angry with me. When Onodera rushed to the bathroom the guilt only grew. It was only when Yasu was given that picture that I built the courage to look at the man relating to my little girl.

Identical emerald eyes were gentle as they stared at each other in understanding. Onodera's petite form was shaking slight but I don't think he was aware of that. If there was a picture of the perfect mother and daughter moment then it was of Onodera and my sunshine. Yasu is right. Onodera should live with us and join our family. We will love him.

But reality sets in again.

Onodera is dying.  
>Onodera is too broken.<p>

Yet I can't seem to get myself to care about those things. I want Onodera. I don't care if he isn't meant to live long. I want him as mine and my daughter. I fell for the guy...harder I believe than I fallen for anyone, even Kisa san. He's the only one my mind all the time. He makes me feel uncertain of myself and my heart race with giddiness and worry. I find myself worrying about his day, if he's in any pain, when and if we'll ever hang out again. Because of Onodera, Kisa's infidelity doesn't hurt me.

It makes me feel happy now.

I'm free to pursue the man hugging my angel, feeding her his food.

Rage is a funny emotion, a foreign emotion to me yet it invades my body as I ponder everything I learned about Onodera and my sunshine. Something I never pushed to learn about them. When Yasu came into my life, she wouldn't talk about her time with her mother's family so I let her be. With Onodera I did the same thing. I didn't question his childhood or why his heart is failing. It was just how it was in my mind.

Well that stops now.

Before I know it, dinner is done. Misaki san was cleaning the dishes (he took my dish too), Usami san went up to his study to continue a book he's writing...where is Onodera and my little girl?

I found those two in the guest room by the guest room Usami san lent me and Yasu. We've been staying here since Onodera was in the hospital….also when Kisa came home that day. They were laying on the bed, looking up at the paint on the ceiling. Onodera looked tired. Drained by the day with my little girl snuggling in his side, trying to keep him from drowning in his ocean of thoughts. The picture rested on the drawl by the bedside.

They did not notice me so I remained still by the doorway instead of walking inside and ruining the moment. I watched them; my little treasures.

"Rit nii," Yasu roused Onodera from his sleepy daze. "What happened when you went to England to fix your heart?" Tired green sharpened, his pupils dilated, and turned into an almost blackish color. When Yasu tried looking up to see his face, Onodera pushed her head down and smothered it to his side, keeping her from looking at him.

"Don't look...don't look." At that moment I wanted to dive in that room and drag Onodera out from whatever experience he was remembering. His eyes spoke of shadows haunting him, no rest for the wicked he might have done or been accused of but I was rooted to my spot and could not save the man from his own past. "It was...hell at that hospital. I can't remember all that went on in there only that it was worse than what a nightmare could come up with."

He began speaking without blinking; a trance of some sort.

"I made a friend who shared the same experience I know that but the rest...I think I might have lost my mind in that place...I can't remember much except pain….pain kept me rooted but...soon it stopped working. There was a fire. It burned everything….no patient was harmed...all doctors died. I was found in the nick of time...brought to a new hospital….they gave me some psychiatric to help me with the memories but it was no use. She said I would just keep repressing everything even if I wanted to know everything that happened. There were pictures of what I went through but...I don't like remembering those pictures. It makes me feel sick."

His eyes turned back to the light sparkling green jades to my relief and he releases his hold on my daughter's head. She didn't look up. She knew a sensitive subject when she sees one so she just tightened her hold on Onodera's waist and hummed.

"You made a friend? Does he know what happened then?"

"I guess so...I can't speak for him but if there's anyone who could tell the story about that place then it would be him."

"Can I ask what's his name Rit nii."

"...Shuichi." I did not see that coming. He's too bright...there I go again never bothering to question things. Only accepting what's presented before me.

"Can I ask him one day to tell me the story?" I hold in my sputter.

Onodera shrugs closing his eyes and sighing. "Go ahead; it's his story to tell since he knows what happened while I can't even get a vague dream of what happened." He was drifting off now. "But I do remember afterwards...when I left those hospitals. I was found...Sinful...was the one...who found me."

I frowned.  
>She found him?<p>

So...they aren't real family or are they?

He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Like the world is bright in whatever world he's in, in dreamland. Nothing can hurt him in his dreams and if something does happen, he could always just wake up. I wonder what Onodera dreams about. Is it about Sinful and her family. Is he dreaming about walks in the park in England where he would always stop and get some cotton candy for him and his little cousin? Is he going back in time where he would help his aunt and uncle settle guests in their hotel? The stories he would tell us about that family in England...are they his safe haven when he closes his eyes to rest his wounds?

So many things I can think he is dreaming of...so many memories he shared without giving hints of the bad in his life. Is this world hell for him? Straight from birth was life cruel to Onodera Ritsu that he went psychological insane at one point in his life? So many things I am begging to know but can't beg out loud. With what was learned, I can't ask Onodera anything straight out. I need him to trust me and by god I will get him to trust me enough to share his life with me.

Walking away to the guest room I was residing in, just as I closed the door my phone goes off. With a blank mind I answer; "hello."

"Hey Yukina" This is rare in itself. Kisa doesn't bother calling me at all. As soon as I open my mouth to ask what brought this on, my lover beats me. "Can meet up somewhere? We need to talk."


	12. Don't look

_I had hoped that being away from my homeland would have helped me heal emotionally but the pain from my past just followed to England. Maybe it worsened as well. Like an infection; swelled and filthy. Scabbed. An ugly sight to behold if you ask me. _

_I can not recall what happened during the first few years in the rainy country. I can see snippets of things that transpired, remembered only the beginning and the ending of what that chapter told. Its funny how something important could be forgotten easily and...I guess...whatever went on during that time was important. I know I made a friend during that time. I feel that it was hell. In the end though, I remember feeling numb. _

_The hospital that I was sent to was burned down to ashes. The authorities believed it was the work of one of the doctors but there was no evidence. All patients were well and unharmed, found away from the fire that engulfed the building (so I've been told.). All the doctors however...they were dead. Burned alive. _

_I was told that I was found in the building. Half dead and unconscious. We were all dragged to a new hospital; one that also specialized in heart conditions. My friend was able to find a heart and have surgery that saved his life but I wasn't so lucky. I was provided with treatment and psychological help but for finding a heart...not so lucky at all. All the hearts the doctors found didn't get accepted by my body. They were rejected, all six, until the doctors said enough. Another surgery and I would die earlier than people would like. _

_I guess I should have been mad, sadden. I was jealous of my friend but not because he found a heart. I was happy he found a compatible heart but I was jealous of the innocent happiness he kept throughout his life. It made me wish I could still smile like him at the time. As for dying...well I had no problem with that. _

_It's the truth._

_I have no problem with death and back then I yearned for Jack the Ripper's cold embrace to surround me. That was until I met an angel or until an angel found me. Six years passed and I gotten better mental wise but I was still numb emotionally. Aside from my friend visiting with his boyfriend and his boss, I had no visitors. My parents were in Japan with their work and I had no blood relatives in this country so my days were pretty lonely. I grew...bold if I can use that term._

_Just imagine. Alone hours on end, away from home, away from parent's supervision; it would be tempting to know you can sneak out of the hospital and go anywhere in the city. Run away from your problems and the chains around your neck and legs. I gave in to the temptation. _

_I picked a shitty time to run away through but I couldn't help it. My body twitched, shivered to be free from the white walls surrounding me and outside where the weather showed my emotions. As cliche as this will sound, it was a storming night that I left. It didn't take much to leave oddly enough. All I did was take the needles out of my body and climb out the window by my bed. It did not hurt at all. Then again I was slightly feverous so maybe that was what made it hurt none. _

_I climbed out the window and ran down any street I found. I didn't pay much attention to where I was running. I just let my feet control where they took me. It was hard to see through the rain since the storm was one of the worse ones England has ever had. But I didn't stop running until my legs tripped over themselves from exhaustion and I fell. I did not bother to get up because, well, what would be the point? I'll live another day. Wake up to another sun and sleep under another moon. It wasn't something I looked forward to but those depressing thoughts halted when a tiny, alabaster foot stopped in front of my face. It was then I looked up and saw my angel. _

_A curious little thing she was. _  
><em>Seven years old with intelligent eyes hidden under doe crimson naive eyes. <em>

_We were both soaked through to the bone and shivering but neither one of us looked away from each other. Somehow...we started sizing each other up. Analyzing each other and trying to read what was going through the other's mind. I didn't want to be seen like that; pathetic and wheezing on some soaked disgusting ground but my body refused to listen to my brain and get up. After a while the child ran away from me and I hoped she wouldn't come back. _

_But she did. _  
><em>She came back with her family.<em>

_I was close to passing out at that time but I remember her running back with a woman and man behind her. Her parents. Her father; a big and bearded red headed man picked me up before I gave in to the clouded blanket of sleep._

**"What happened when you woke up? Were you taken back to the hospital?" **

_Oh no. _  
><em>I don't know why I wasn't since I clearly looked like I was in the hospital but they didn't.<em>

_On the north side of town, beyond a small forest, they took me to a medium size hotel. It was a particular looking hotel. It looked like a huge inn with many floors and rooms; sort of like stepping back when everything was made of wood and people still rode horses. It was very beautiful and...cosy. Of course I had no idea of this when I first woke up in the place. Naturally I was disoriented and guarded when I woke up in an unknown environment with some giant of a man looking down at me._

_Out of reflex I kicked the man in his gut. Still to this day I feel awful about kicking the poor bear of a man. He was the one that carried me to the inn. His name was Bard, a giant teddy bear with a heart made of gold. His wife was named Laura and their daughter, the angel that found me, her name was Sinful. They were some family but a family I would give up anything for but not at first. I was wary at first and didn't want any of them near me. To touch me. Whenever they came into the room I was recovering in I watched their every move and refused to talk to them about where I came from or if I even understood what they were saying. _

_My heart was guarded by steel and iron but little by little I found that armor was being chipped away when they talked to me. They gave up trying to ask me questions and just started talking about anything their minds could come up with. With Bard, it was about his family. His brothers and how much he loves animals and hate it when he sees people sad. He would sometimes read me stories he loved. Classic fairy tales by the Grimm Brothers. Sometimes he would make up his own stories or tell me jokes. Laura would tell me about her gardening and the language of flowers. Each day, she would bring a flower from her precious garden and place it in a tiny vase by my bed. She told me I reminded her of a flower. Something about how flowers seem fond of people talking to them she said. _

_Last was Sinful. _

_Sinful...what a horrible name they gave her; that was my first thought when I learned her name but that name meant more to them than the world would ever know. The opposite of purity but with sin people learn and people hope. They hope for redemption and learn from the deeds they did. I grew to love that name along with the child that held that title with pride. Hyper child, spiteful of people on the outside but extremely vulnerable and socially insecure on the inside. I was her hideout. Whenever her parents were looking for her or the kids in the inn wanted to pick on her, she would run to my room and hide. It started out with her hiding under my bed but over a few days it was her hiding in my bed. She would hug me like her life depended on it and hide her tears in my stomach. I had no idea how to react when she started doing that. Being hugged was something that became foreign to me. A phantom of my past self. So I could do nothing but rub her back soothingly. It was weird. Odd._

_But nice. _

_She began talking to me about her life; about why she kept hiding from her parents and the kids. How she loves her name but hates that other people shun her for it. She told me a big secret. A secret she made me promise to take to my grave. I complied. She got me to talk. To her, to her parents. It was because of her I began healing on the inside. Such a small child ripped open the infected scab on my heart and healed it properly. It wasn't everything she healed but the majority of the pain she made vanish. _

_Her and her family became my family. _  
><em>They made me apart of their family with open arms.<em>

_We told people that I was Laura's and Bard's nephew and Sinful's cousin from Laura's side of the family since her side was oriental. To the family themselves they knew I was not one of them but they welcomed me anyways. Laura's sister even called me her son when she met me and I called her mother. It became an inside joke between all of us. Strangers just didn't question us. _

_I went under the name Kokora Ritsu. _

_Living with that family was heaven to me. I helped them run the inn and became a babysitter for Sinful. She was a handful while watching. Each day was never a dull moment even when we had the day off, it was still some sort of adventure. I never gotten over my issues of trust or being touched by people but I manage to react better. The only people I truly trusted when they embraced me was Sinful and her crazy family and they were all touchy feeling. They showed their affection through hugs and gestures so I got use to them since I trusted them. I would help Bard with taking care of the dogs they had, oh and one wolf and a Scottish fold cat. Laura I helped with her garden. I would bring water from the well they had in the back of the house when she needed it to water the plants. As I said with Sinful I babysat and she was a handful. _

_Especially as she began getting older._

_She was still short and childish looking but she was more outgoing and loved pulling pranks and picking fights with people. I have never been more thankful for being forced to learn martial arts when I was a kid than I have when taking care of her. The trouble she would get herself in...remembering them still makes me shudder. She one time got this drunkard mad when we were walking home and he started swinging his fists at her. I turn around one second and when I turned back he fisted her hair. Needless to say I got mad and that drunkard ended up hospitalized and my eye was black for a good four weeks. Those were hellish four weeks. Two with my eye swollen shut and two with my eye finally healing. Fights with Bard's brothers and my "brothers" were fun. Just to see which one of us were stronger than the rest. _

_There were also time...many times that I hated. Days where I couldn't even drag my body out of bed because of my heart condition. I hated those days because I was forced to remain resting in bed when Sinful looked forward to playing with me outside and had to be forced to remember that I was not like her or her family. I was someone that would die young and can't be overworked all the time. Forced to watch loved ones from the window in the room. Itching to move and leave but can't. I loathed those days until the end of daylights because when everyone went to sleep, Sinful came and made my day of hate all better. She would come in my room just like when she was seven and cuddle herself to my side and make me read her The Great Gatsby, a book she brought from her room that she loved. She knew I hated reading but it was the way I read out loud that she told me she loved and I could never deny her anything. So I would read to her, like Bard would read to me._

_Like in the books they so loved, it was a happy ending for me while living with them but reality always has a habit of destroying allusions. One story ends and a new one will always begin. "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." __I believe that's how the book ended and also how my life with Sinful, Laura, and Bard ended._

* * *

><p>Chiaki is hiding something from me.<br>I can tell he is.

I am hating the look in his eyes. The color of pity and gleam of knowing something I don't. Given many people would know something other people would not but the gleam in Chiaki's eye is about me. He knows something...someone told him something. He's doing a shitty job at hiding that he knows something about me. Could he...no. That's impossible.

Only a few people know that and they have been sworn to secrecy.  
>OK so I blackmailed most of them but they still would not tell.<p>

What could Chiaki know...and who told him?  
>Or am I looking too much into this?<p>

"Rit nii! I'm thirsty!" Yasu snuggled deeper to my side making me blush a little. Akihiko found out about me letting Chiaki write about my life and called Chiaki over to continue his book. I was sleeping when Chiaki came over. It's nighttime now so I'm guessing Chiaki will be sleeping here too. Man, Akihiko. You planning a sleepover party or something? What happen to you being unsociable? "Rit nii!"

"Hai, hai young one. I'm going. What would you like?"

"Chocolate milk!" I nod and go off to get her, her drink. When I woke up, I've been on edge. I don't feel as comfortable as I always had in Akihiko's home. It could be because of Misaki knowing the truth...then there's Yukina and Yasu or maybe because Chiaki is hiding something...I think. Whatever it is, it gives me an uneasy feeling.

A deeply unease feeling.  
>My stomach hurts.<p>

It could be my imagination taking flight but It would not hurt to be too careful. One never knows what lies ahead in life. Best to be cautious than to be sorry. From the top of my vision I thought I seen some feet but when I looked up...nothing. Is my mind getting the best of me? Dear lord, I surely hope not. Going back to little Yasu and Chiaki, I give her the cup and make sure she doesn't drop it while drinking the milky goodness.

"So who is she?" Chiaki asked. I could tell it was only curiosity but it still made me hide Yasu behind my body. Course I hid her subtly and made it look unintentional.

"She's my friend's daughter." Which said friend isn't here. Where the heck did he go? Why do I care? Or yeah, because the man forgot his daughter! Maybe he just went out for something but still! You shouldn't leave your kid! You never know what could happen!

"Hi there! My name is Chiaki Yoshino! What's yours?" Chiaki peeked behind me and Yasu who was too busy pouting at her already empty cup.

"Her name is Yasu." I answered for her, wiping milk off her cheek with my sleeve. "Be careful little one. You got milk all over your face now, go wash your face in the kitchen."

"Yes Rit nii!" As she scampered off I was left with Chiaki san who looked as nervous as I felt. He kept studying me which creep me out a lot. I hate when people do that. It makes me feel like they're either judging me or trying to get inside my head and analyze my brain. I wanted to get straight to the point and ask him if anyone told him something he's not supposed to know but that would do nothing but scare the man away.

So I went subtle.

"Is something wrong Chiaki san?" As expected, he jumped and gave me a wide eyed stare. Now I know he is hiding something from me. This should be fun. I gave him a 'cat ate the canary' smile. The only way to get information is to scare it out of people. "You look like you're going to be executed sometime soon." Perhaps he will be, I kept the last part to myself. Depends on if he will lie to to me or not.

"Nothing is wrong….uh...well not per-say that is." Avoiding eye-contact his hand began twitching. A nervous tick I noticed. Guilt. That's the emotion written all over his face. It stinks on him. "...Ritsu…" Flinching at the formality, I hummed that I was listening. "What if...well...nothing." He did not see me purse my lips when he hung his head held it in his hands.

Well at least he is not trying to lie to me.  
>But that doesn't change the fact he isn't telling me something.<p>

"You know Chiaki," I start casually like I'm going to talk about something light. Heck, I even smile at the poor guy. "I don't like you all that much." The look he gave me made me want to take my words back but I need to say this to get the truth. "Its nothing personal. You are fun to talk to and hang out with but because of you I find it hard to keep my secrets to myself. I never told anyone about my life, about the things that go on in my mind. Its too dark; my mind is a dangerous playground and nobody knew until now. I can't even close my mouth and keep things in now because of you and I don't like you for that. I hate that you are making me word vomit everything. There's a lot of things I can say, lie about, do to prevent spilling the truth but I'm tired of lying. I'm also tired of being lied to. Especially from someone I see as a friend. Of course I will not force anything even though I could...but I don't want to. I...I want to trust people so….so….are you going to lie to me as well?"

Don't think of me as a friend;  
>Don't try sympathizing with me;<br>Don't make me show you the me under the mask…

If you are going to be like the rest and lie to me as well.

Holding my breath, I watch the fear and shock play through his eye with a straight face. I will be willing to be his friend if he proves to be trustful but...I am also willing to scar him for life, both metaphorically speaking and laterally speaking if he deceives me. I don't play with trust. You will be my world if you earn my trust. I am offering that. All Chiaki has to do is be truthful with me.

"I'm sorry…" My gut clenches. "I ran into one of your friend at the hospital earlier today….Shindou san and...well. He told me about your time in England...in that hospital...I-I am really, really sorry. I shouldn't have...I should have asked you about it." He hid his face from my view and I could not help but feel….amused.

So very amused that I laughed until I cried. These episodes happens sparsely at times but they still unease me when I'm over these laughing fits. This usually happened when I try remembering about my time in that bloody hospital or when I remember the pictures shown to me when I got out of that place! Poor Chiaki….killing himself over something I could give less than a fuck about. Something I can't even recall clearly! So amusing this man is! Is this all he was wary about? What foolishness.

"Is that all?" I giggled, calming down from my slight loss of control. Relaxing in the couch and propping my feet on the table, I give Chiaki a good, long stare. My smirk grows as he fridgets under my attention. "Is that what made you so uncomfortable? Because you were scared?" Shaking my head, I look up at the ceiling. Man...I was worried for not. Smiling softly, I look back at the man by my side. Why am I always the mature one? This man is older than me yet he's just a small child. "Chiaki...Let me tell you something good. If you were paying attention to what I said earlier then you should know that I don't remember anything from my time in the hospital. So why would I be upset if Shuichi told you? To me...that chapter in my life was more about a stranger than about me. I can guess what happened in there by the things I've heard and pictures a psychiatric showed me once but I don't know anything that happened to ME in there. A stranger yes, but not me. It is not my story to tell and Shuichi is the only other primary source that witnessed with his own eyes what had happened in that place. It was his story to tell. Not mine. I rather you heard it from Shuichi than from the arse upstairs typing everything he sees move." I smile brightly now. "So don't be guilty Chiaki. You did nothing wrong.

Oh look...he's blushing bashfully now.  
>How original.<p>

Yasu came back before we could continue this personal talk. Jumping on me, Yasu's face was soaking wet and the water got on me. "Yasu!" I sighed wiping my face with my sleeves. "You are going to get sick being soaked. Are you doing this on purpose?" Despite my words I was chuckling, taking off the sweater I had on I started using it like a towel to wipe her face dry. I was too comfortable now that I forgot about my arms. The old wounds that have yet to truly fade away. Some from childhood, majority from the time in England.

"R-Rit nii…"  
>"Ritsu…"<p>

"It's nothing." I silence them quickly while cursing myself inwardly for making these children sad. "Just past wounds that hadn't faded fully yet. Don't go all depressed on me. They don't even hurt so come on you two; smile." or something.

My shirt was all soaked from Yasu's face so pardoning myself, I went up the stairs to go borrow a sweater from Akihiko. I swear I heard rushed steps when I walked to the stairs. Was it just my imagination? Shrugging off the feeling because it could have been Akihiko eavesdropping (that knucklehead walks heavy) I walk down the hall of the second floor and go into his and Misaki's room. Misaki doesn't say anything because I use to do this all the time in the past. Granted he never saw my arms before and it's sort of dark in the room so the scars aren't noticeable to him. At their closet I take out a nice fuzzy black sweater and put it on.

"Misaki?" I look towards the boy trying to feign sleep. We still haven't talked face to face all that much. "You still upset with me?" Taking a step towards the bed, I place a hand on his head. Fragile...why do I always break fragile things? This is why I didn't want to get close. I break everything in my presence. Sitting by the boy who hasn't looked up yet, I cross my legs over each other and look to the wall. "I will not apologize for keeping the truth from you Misaki."

Nothing peeps out of his mouth.

"I don't fear your scorn if you're still upset that I never told you about why I did what I did. In fact; I welcome whatever anger you hold against me. I don't regret what I did, said, and kept from you any everyone else in that place. It hurt me to hurt the people I got close to, you included, but it was necessary in the end."

"How?" Ah, and now the questions. "Why? Did you do it because you're trying to keep people from hurting when you...you did it to keep us away for...protection?"

Did I push them all away because I didn't want them being sad when I die? I bit my lip thinking carefully how to answer Misaki's question. I need to make this clear so he does not misunderstand me. "Not exactly. No. Not for them." Sigh. "Misaki...I am no hero or person with much room in my heart to spare others from pain. I'm selfish just like everybody else but that does not mean I don't feel regret for hurting them...and you. None of you guys were supposed to be involved anyways. It was supposed to be between Takano san and me but things went wrong, people got hurt, and I...I felt trapped so I cut my ties with all of them and made it hurt. I want their scorn. You I was trying to protect...you are young still and fragile. You see goodness in the world and us humans. It's frustrating how innocent you are because I know when I die you will be hurt badly. At first I wasn't going to keep it from you because I don't want to die in some white medical room alone (who does?) but you...you're too sweet. You are already burdened by your parent's death and you got so close to me that you called me your brother. I got scared. I don't want you to relive someone close to you dying. No child should even witness death. So I decided to hurt you too so you would want nothing to do with me. Ever. That blew up in my face though. As for the others...well...they don't know me. We all became friends but they knew nothing about me except for my name and family. Takano san...he was living a past and the sad thing is, he didn't even know me back then either. I had to force his eyes open so he can move on."

Misaki was opening crying now while hugging my torso. I turned to hug him back a bit and stroke his hair back. "My plan blew up in my face. I wanted to protect you but I end up hurting you more. What a brother I am huh? Why...why do I always cause pain? Its like...I ruin everything I hold close and I can't even say sorry. Misaki...please don't forgive me. Ever." I deserve nothing but your scorn so… "Scorn me to your hearts content...I still hurt you on purpose after all."

Just don't become anything like me.  
>That is all I will beg of this world.<p>

That Misaki will stay how he is.  
>If that ever changes…<br>Blood will be shed.

"I don't want to scorn you…" Breaking out of my primal urges, I look down at the forest eyes rimmed with puffy red. "I will not forgive you because it still hurts what you did but...I can never hate you..no matter what I said back then." Typical Misaki.

I shouldn't have expected anything less from someone so foolishly innocent.

"Ok but know that I am a possessive person, worse than that bear of a lover you have!" He gaped. "So if you still want to be friends with me then be prepared; I will not hesitate to kill anyone that harms you." Even if that person is myself. "...and I promise I will never hurt you again. Not purposely again Misaki." the last part is so low but the kid heard me. He always hears me like the obedient innocent otouto he is.

I wonder how he would feel if he knew I was not that much older than him? Would he hate me again? Would that hurt him to know I lied about my age; lied to everyone about my age? I don't think it would make much of a difference...I'm still older than he is but...I just made him a promise and I will not back down. "Misaki...how would you feel if I told you a secret I never told but one person? I'm asking you this because I promised not to hurt you ever again and that includes lying."

He's quiet for a moment, debating if he wants to know what I kept hidden but eager to know as well. Foolish...I hate you Chiaki. I think all my innocent friends are finally getting to me. Well...nothing I can do but give in to their demands and be truthful for now on but only to them. Other people can go fuck themselves.

"Yes." I give a nod.

"I'm only four years older than you, not eight." Quick calculations and I receive wide eyes.

"What!"

"Mm hm. Only twenty five years old and kicking the bucket." I said jokingly.

"But why lie about your…"

"It wasn't my choice at first." I sigh at the quizzical expression before going into depth. "It was my parents choice when they had me. I have two birth certificate. One with my real date of birth and another with the date they wanted me to be born. They tried having a child the first time my grandparents told them to but that didn't work out so much. They had to get drunk the next few times to actually make me...I was not supposed to be a young heir. As illogical as my family ways sound, they wanted someone born on a specific year and day. I was born two years than I was supposed to be born so to keep traditions, my parents got the doctor and lawyers to make me a fake certificate claiming I was born two years than my actual birth. It was a hassle when I was a kid but throughout the years its just easier to tell people I'm older than what I really am. I'm use to it."

"So...that means." Huh? "When you were 15 and your dad...your senpai…"

"Yeah. Reality is a bitch ne?" He didn't laugh at my sad excuse for a joke.

"You were 13! Still a child!" Child...I tilted my head at that. When was the last time I was referred to as a child? Not since...Boston and Angelic that's for sure.

Shrugging like the statement meant nothing, I hug Misaki to me and cuddle his hair like a parent would to their child. "The past is the past Misaki and I don't really care much for getting worked up whenever I look back on those memories. It happened and that's that."

"But-!"

"Ugh!" I threw myself down on the bed dramatically. "Must I get sentimental, after years? Misaki," I became serious once more, peeking out from the arm I put over my eyes. "I'm not saying I felt nothing growing up how I did but I am not going to cry over the past. I never cried back then and I certainly not going to cry now."

"...why?" I snorted cynically.

**"Crying is useless for an Onodera. We do not cry for it is weakness. We must be as firm as steel and hard as boulders. Petty emotions are not in our blood Ritsu. You are a tool, not a human so straighten up your back and wipe those tears you stupid child."** I repeated the words spoken to me the day after Angelic and Boston left. When it was made clear who my parents were.

"I was never able to cry after that. Even now I find it hard to cry so I don't." Not once since that day has a drop left my eye. I smile wryly. "It doesn't hurt Misaki so stop looking like this is an execution." I started tickling him to distract him from all this sentimental bullshit.

In the halls I swear someone is watching us or me at least. It could be Chiaki and/or Yasu eavesdropping. I'm not so sure if its Akihiko anymore since he would have killed me the second he heard about my age. He's too childish to remain calm about things 'that involves him' the self centered bastard. hmph. It still amazes me how Misaki could put up with him without having to threaten his beloved bears.

A thump halts these rambling thoughts.

Somebody is watching us...my eyes narrow darkly. Who. The. Fuck. Is. In. This. House? My arms tighten around Misaki possessively. "Ritsu?" Whoever you are, I'm going to find you and when I do, I will end you. "Nii chan?" I will hunt you down if I have to. No one...nothing is going to take away my friends. They are mine. Anyone who even thinks of stalking them I will kill. Mine. Mine. Mine. "Y-You're hurting me N-nii chan!"

"Eh?" Opps! Freaking out for a bit, I let go of Misaki and get away from him as quick as I can. I don't want to let my anger get the best if me and lash out on the innocent. I don't want to lash out in general. It's just...hard to stay calm when there's a threat to my family. "Sorry about that. Got caught up in my own head you know?" I laugh awkwardly, giving side glances towards the door. My hand twitches to do something...to clench around someone's neck. "I need to go do something Misaki so I'll just leave you to what you were doing before I interrupted you."

I left before I lose my composure even more. No one is in the hallways so I begin searching around the house.

I'm not imagining things!  
>Every time I check a room or turn a corner there's footsteps shuffling away.<p>

Where are they, whoever they are?  
>Precisely how did they get in and why are they here?<p>

Robbers don't stay this quiet. Majority of the time they pull out their guns or knives and demand money from unsuspecting victims. What are these people playing at? The footsteps lead to the bathroom. I cornered them now. Smirking I banged open the door and….nothing. Nothing is out of the ordinary. There are no signs of intruders in the bathroom. Everything is how it was when I first got here. White marble tiles, large bathroom mirror, toilet and a shower bath with the dark shower curtain covering it elegantly. Not even the rubber duckies are out of place (Why Akihiko has rubber duckies is beyond me but I was too busy to ponder on it.)

Irritation gnaws at me.  
>I better check this place thoroughly.<p>

Just in case.

I check the cabinets with the towels, under the sink, and the window to see if someone unlocked it and escaped from there. Nada. The last place to check in the bathroom would be the bathtub. Stalking towards the seemly innocent contraption, blood rushes to my ears. It's an exhilarating feeling to be the one hunting down foolish prey. Amusing that these fuckers thought they could sneak in here and mess with what belongs to me. My heart beats dangerously but the excitement of catching prey makes it hard to remember to calm down. This is getting dangerous, then again when have I ever played things safe? Playing safe is for people who need to be protected.

I don't need protection.  
>My enemies are the one that need protection.<p>

My breath gets caught in my throat and the lack of air makes my tempers throb. They won't get away my mind purrs as my fingers curl around the shower curtain. No escape. Try to run but you won't win because I won't forgive those who threaten my things. Glaring, I ready my fists and clench the curtain tighter to pull back with all my force.

But a blur tackles me first and holds me in a body lock.

Blinded by adrenaline I act with thinking and slip out of my captor's hold. Punches and kicks fly with flesh hitting flesh greeting me in return. Pining my enemy under my body I smirk clenching the throat in my hands. My smirk is wiped off when my eyes meets Akihiko's face; bloodied and swollen from my attacks. Without hesitation I let go like I was burned and jump off of my friend's body.

"Akihiko!?" Shit I almost killed him! Shit! Shit! Shit! I lashed out! "Are you ok?! Did I...wait that's a retarded question, of course I hurt you! Dammit. You came out of no where though and tackled me! God, I am so sorry Akihiko! I didn't mean to...I thought you were an intruder...why were you hiding in the tub anyways? I could have killed you!" I can't live with this shame!

My eye winces when Akihiko wipes the blood off his nose and lips but he smiles at me nevertheless. Idiot! "Calm down Ritsu or else you're going to end up in the hospital again." IDIOT!

"You're the one that need a hospital!"

"I'm fine, just a bit banged up. You really don't know how to hold back do you?" My jaw snaps shut and I look away in shame.

"Why were you hiding in the bathtub anyways you idiot? I thought you were an intruder that snuck in here." Guilt eats at me when bruises start forming on my friend's neck but my angers pushes it to the back of my mind when I thought of something. "Was that you making those sounds and being all stalkerish!?" The bastard dares to smile sheepishly. "Asshole! I was convinced someone came in here to hurt all of you guys! Why were you running from me when I tried finding out who were making those footstep noises! Are you trying to get yourself killed!" And here I was seriously worried!

My face flares when he laughs at me before steering me to the door to leave. "Sorry sorry. Yeah...that was me "observing" my guests in my home, especially when one of my closest friend is patching things up with my lover and telling him a secret he never bothered sharing with his own best friend." My face blanches when Akihiko's face turns serious. He heard everything...well then. I got no come back to beat him. "You always did look younger than what you told people Ritsu and now I know why. Also the reason I tried hiding from you is because I knew you would have gotten angry at me for eavesdropping but oh well. You kicked my ass either way."

"Why were eavesdropping if you know I hate when you do that."

"Is it so hard to believe that I do care about my best friend? Some human beings are still genuinely good and your friends do care about you Ritsu." He patted my back and began limping to his room. "I'm going to go get patched up and change then we all should go out and do something fun. The evening is still young."

As he walked away I thought back on his words. They brought warmth to my soul but also constricted my it painfully. No. Its not hard to believe that Akihiko cares. He is like me when his family is threatened; possessive...dangerous...and thirsty for blood. I know there are still good people in this world and the friends that I have do care about me. "That is what scares me the most." escapes my mouth before I descend down the stairs to tell Yasu and Chiaki to start getting ready so we could go out this evening. I left Yukina a text telling him not to worry when he gets back, Yasu will be with me.

I didn't hear the faint beep in the bathroom.

Calming down from all the emotional events that happened only a few hours ago, we all were out just enjoying city of Tokyo. Akihiko kept harassing Misaki and blackmailing him into admitting this was a date to which Misaki pointed out it was not since Chiaki, Yasu, I was with them. I do not pity Misaki when Akihiko gropes him in front of a hoard of schoolgirls...and boys. Love is so weird no matter how good people describe it. Thinking back to when I was in love I remember nothing but confusion, excitement, and the stinging of pain. Yup. Love is pretty much weird if you ask me.

Yasu was walking beside me with her tiny hand holding mine. She was all smiles and chitchat. Mothers and couples occasionally stopped us to compliment "how cute we looked". They believed me to be Yasu's father. It must be our eyes since we both have light green eyes. One older lady (who I think her eyesight was bad) mistaken me for a young mother when we passed her flower shop. She even gave me a pink rose for free. I would have felt insulted if I wasn't so embarrassed about the misunderstanding. I gave the flower to Yasu and ignored the laughing faces of Akihiko and Chiaki. Misaki looked sympathetic so I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess the same thing happened to him before too.

Everything was peaceful.  
>Too peaceful.<p>

That is something to always be wary of; security.

"The fall of mankind is security." I breathed under my breath, eyeing our surroundings left, right, behind and straightforward. Yasu noticed this and questioned what was wrong. Tightening my grip slightly so as to not lose her in the crowd, I grin down softly. "Nothing." Nothing is what is wrong.

As we walked past an alley arms, more than one, shot out and grabbed Yasu. They pulled her in and me as well since my grip on her never broke. I was kicked in the stomach. Forcing the pain away I blindly swung with my free arm. My fist met flesh and somebody cursed from my left side. Quickly backing away with Yasu behind me, I assessed the scene before me.

Four men, no, four teenage boys were glaring at us. It was the leader of these punks I hit and he glared death at me. At least he tried to if it weren't for the nice busted eye I gave him and the slightly frighten expression he's trying to make look furious. I snorted quietly. This will be over quickly, if these kids are willing to reason. "Gentlemen" I smiled creeping the four out. "Is there a problem here that you had to drag my child and I in these filthy alleys?" The main leader's three goons took out some busted pipes from the ground, making me frown. Why can't punks ever listen to reason? "Let us leave and there will be no problem. We all go our separate way without authorities having to be involved." or bloodshed.

The leader clicked his tongue. "Fuck off! All we want is the girl; you have nothing to do with this. She will make our boss a good profi-" My glare cut him off and made him hide behind his goons.

"Pardon my...lack of hearing." I hissed the honey words at them. I sent nudged Yasu to the corner of a dead end and told her to stay put. I made her face the wall and gave but one command. "Whatever you hear, don't turn around for anything until I come get you." I shush her before she can protest and cling to me. "Nothing will happen little one. No one is going to hurt you; this I promise." Not meaning to sound hateful to her, she still shivered at the tone of my voice.

Turning back and walking up to the three, it doesn't take much to remove them from my sight. They suck at wielding weapons. With a quick flick of my wrist I stole the pipe from one of the punks and slammed the rusted sharp part in the boy's head. Not hard enough to kill the bastard but enough to make him die of blood loss if he doesn't get it stitched up in time. The hate running rampage through me blocked off the pain the other goons bestowed on me when they snapped out of their shock and hit me with their pipes. Slamming the first goon's head against the alley wall, I swished around and slammed the weapon in the second goon's leg breaking it in half. I covered the teen's mouth so his scream would be muffled. Looking back at Yasu, she was listening to me and didn't turn around.

Good girl.

I dislocated the shit's arm and went on to the third goon who got me in the arm. I heard the crack before I felt the pain. Grinding my teeth, I aimed a perfect upper kick to the punk. He hit the other wall of the alley, cracking his skull. Three down. "One to go~" The leader was trying to be slick and inch his way to Yasu. Whatever steam I blew off while fighting his followers came back tenfold. Not sparing a second because I am anything but merciful, I reached the shithead and fisted his hair. Throwing him back as far away from Yasu yet not enough for us to be seen by bystanders outside the alley, I turn the fool to lay on his back. How pathetic. Just a few, not even two simple moves and he's already banged up.

Smiling at the lad, my foot on his crotch, my smile grew wider at the fear in his eyes. "So~" I started conversationally. I feel like playing with my prey since he was so outspoken in the beginning of our meeting. "What was that you said? ""She would make our boss a good profit" was it?" Ignoring his pleas, my foot added harsh pressure to his groin. "You kidnap kids and sell them huh? Well? I'm waiting for your answer my dear sir." stomping on his groin now, the boy practically sang.

"We only take the kids! Our boss is the one that sells them!" The baby began crying.

"That wasn't hard to answer." I smiled crushing his sack into nothing. Like I did with the second goon, I covered the shit's mouth quieting his screams. Some blood gets on me but I'll care about that later. Leaning down, I whisper in they punk's ear making sure to get my point across. "I won't kill you but I will make you pay for wanting to take Yasu and sell her to some pimp. Let this be a lesson you take to heart; don't fuck with my love ones." With one last satisfying crunch, I walk away from the scum.

Yasu still faced the dirty alley wall. Not once did she peek and for that I am grateful. The clicking of my shoes on cement makes her stiffen a bit but when I call out her voice she relaxes noticeably. I scoop her fragile body in my arms and hide her face in the clean side of my shoulder. I hold her like a treasure. Something to handle carefully and hide away from the rest of the world so no grubby hands can try taking my treasure away. "Rit nii…" She squirms trying to detach her face from my shoulder but I don't let her. She curious about the punks, I know it. Which is why I can't show her the carnage I left. Blood splattered on the walls, trailing to the bodies on the ground. Broken limbs, weak cries, I can't allow her to see that. It's monstrous.

And its my doing.  
>I can't let her see the monster I am.<p>

Nodding idle to these thoughts I push her face deeper in my shoulder and firmly keep her head in place. My arm begins to sting slightly and I realize it might have gotten fractured when that goon hit me with the pipe. Pricks. Yasu gets more persistent to see but stop her from struggling with the command I gave her earlier. "Don't look Yasu. Please...don't look at all"

Out of the alley not much people are out thankfully. It is also darker than it was earlier so my crimson stained clothes goes unnoticed to the naked eye or so I thought. A jacket gets placed on me; swinging with my injured arm without a thought it lands weakly against a broad chest. Pain travels up from my wrist to my shoulder blade. Lifting my head to glare at the stranger...its no stranger at all but Yukina. He does not ask about the blood stains, my swollen red fists or useless arm. No. What he does shocks me more than the fact he found Yasu and me like this. He just...gazes at me then cards a hand through my blood soaked hair. Without any shock or questions, he wraps the large coat (his coat) tighter around us and smile taking my useless hand and leading us to the people we lost earlier when those punks dragged us away.

Akihiko, Misaki, and Chiaki took one look at me. Each were demanding answers at the same time causing me to have a headache. I wish I can go back to looking at Yukina smile. His smiles are nice and non judgemental. Bright and makes me feel...I don't know, like an actual human being and not the tool I was raised to be. Not the monster born from duty, heart of steel and firm as a boulder. Yukina smile...makes me feel stupid. Ashamed. Its brings both calmness and irritation, that smile. Why? I never get worked up these days so why...what are these people doing to me?

"Answer me Ritsu!"

"Huh?" Akihiko shields me from bystanders walking by. When did he even get in front of me anyways and where did Yukina go? Oh...he's over by Misaki. I never even noticed that they had to pry Yasu out of my arms. Looking at my cut up knuckles I can't help but find the wounds fascinating. Red coming from blue veins, from fingertips to the elbow. I'm looking at an art piece that only I find comfort and fear in. Its something I understand yet try to keep contained. This side of myself...this bloodthirsty monster...oh how I loath the blind beast.

"Oi!" Eyes snapping to my friend, I blinked owlishly. My lips open slowly, feeling tired and sluggish yet self conscious and aware of what everyone is thinking of me. Yasu sees me finally; she sees the mess I am. Her eyes are wide...

"Don't look." I rasp fearfully trying to curl my whole body in the coat. Wanting to disappear, reverse time, anything to rid me of the looks. Of the judgement and fear. "Stop looking at me." Why do I destroy everything that good that comes my way? Why can't I stop hurting the people I love?! "D-don't look."

"We're not Ritsu. No one is. It's ok, no one is looking at you." Akihiko guilds me, placing himself as a barrier between me and the world. "Lets go home so you can change. You had enough adventure for one evening." Without thinking he grabs my hurt arm.

A pop sound stops us all and they turn to me. Out of it slightly, I look at my wrist Akihiko let go of. It is in an odd angle with the bone slightly out. Dislocated without much pressure but I did not feel anything. Like nothing, I lifted the appendage to my face, examining the damage. Heh… "Well that's odd."

**Thank you;**

**Levinya: So I tried living under something (my bed) It didn't work out. I came out when my dad got pizza -_- I am so weak at times lol! YUP! Everyone loves an emo ritsu though sometimes I just want to smack him in the anime because he's so...ugh! Just give in and love Takano already dammit! But of he does then the story ends *freaks out* I'm so torn between this! It will just get confusing from here on out don't worry ^_^ Actually I want to do this whole...thing (can't give out spoilers) but eventually it will be Yukina and Ritsu. **

**Until next time~**


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